How I Feel...

To borrow the lyrics from a song by Snow Patrol, "I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel."

But because I do better when I write things down, I'm going to try.

For the past 10 years we've lived in a place we like to refer to as 'the middle of nowhere.' It's not quite a town, but it isn't a bustling city either. We have to drive about 10 minutes to a gas station (for the time being - one is being built very close by), and just a little over that for a grocery store. To get to anything else, you're driving 20 minutes out. If you want something super fun, like a Target or an Olive Garden - you're looking at at least 30 minutes.

But it's quiet and full of kids. (Kind of an oxymoron, I know) And for the most part we've felt safe here in our little neck of the woods. That all changed yesterday afternoon.

As Monday's go out here, it's early out day for the schools. The 3 older kids had arrived home and there's about a half hour between the time the Jr. High schoolers get home and when the Elementary kids get home.

I was busy packing for our move and watching the time. I had to take Shaylyn and her friend to cheer practice. We were going to need to leave a little earlier than usual because I needed to stop for gas and Lex wanted to be dropped off at a friends house.

So I'm watching the time and as it inches closer to 3:00, I start wondering where my little kids are. They are usually home by about 2:45. I just kind of think to myself that they maybe walked with a friend and are being a little slow today.

Before I decide to get in the car to take Shaylyn, I check Facebook and see a notification on our little neighborhood page that informs us that there was a bomb threat at the elementary and all the kids were evacuated.

My heart drops. I was glad to hear my kids were safe, but I wanted to get them and know where they were. Within a few minutes there was another notice letting us know where the kids were. I piled everyone in the car and we went to get the kids.

At the first intersection we came to, an officer let me know that my 3rd grader was at a house just ahead of us (I could see a bunch of kids in a backyard), and that my 1st grader was at City Hall.

I made my way to the house and after parking where I could, I followed the crowd into the house and out the back door. There was a gentleman asking who I was looking for, a lady then asked for the teacher. Problem is Nate has a teacher in the morning and one in the afternoon and I couldn't remember either name. As I was explaining that he had 2 teachers, Nate and his teacher walked up to me. I grabbed that boys hand and didn't let go until we were safely to the car. On the way to the car though, Nate asked if Ailey was okay. That brought the tears, I assured him she was safe and that we were headed to get her.

I attempted to make my way to City Hall, but got stopped at an intersection by another officer. I made sure the 1st graders were still there and he replied, "Yes, but you can't get to them." And that's when the waterworks turned on. He tried to assure me that the kids were safe and in a safe place and that they just wanted to keep us safe as well. I guess I should mention that City Hall is across from the school. There is about a block or so between them, but it's a block of open space.

I knew he was just doing his job and so I thanked him through tears and made my way through the detour.

After a minute of driving it occurred to me that there was a back way into City Hall. There isn't a road there, but a walking path and weeds. I parked where the road ends and saw a few other parents using this tactic, and I followed suit. At that point in time, it wasn't enough that my daughter was safe, with school personnel and city workers - in a safe place. I just wanted her safe WITH ME.

I was also concerned about her well being. She worries about some things that wouldn't stress most people out. She has a major fear of the rain and storms and hates when family members aren't inside during either event. She passed up going to a movie and to a store with her Grandma for birthday celebrations because of rain. So I was nervous as to how she was doing.

I get into City Hall and find where the kids are. Ailey seems to be doing okay for the most part, she is playing with one of her good friends. A teacher asks how she's doing and she starts to tear up a bit. I wait for her teacher to finish with a parent ahead of me, and in the mean time another teacher has me sign the paper so they know Ailey went with a parent.

I scoop Ailey up into my arms and she just starts bawling. I carry my little girl, like she's a toddler again and I don't even care that it's awkward because of my full hands (I had my wallet and two paper airplanes she made in them). She buries her face into my shoulder and cries. Through her tears she asks about Nate. Once again, I am brought to tears. I assure her that he's in the car and we're headed to him.

I have to put her down to walk sooner than I would've liked to, but I am more out of shape than I'd like to admit. We get to the car and I notice that Nate was in full on tears, Shaylyn was also choked up. When we get Ailey in the car, Shaylyn and her share a hug that probably lasted a full minute if not longer.

By the time we had Ailey it was a little after 4. Shaylyn had to be at practice at 4, but because of the time and how shook up I still was, there was no way I was going to take her anymore. She wasn't really in the mood to go either. Lex, however, had wanted to go hang out with a friend who lives in another part of the city. Plans had fallen through a few days previous, so I wanted him to be able to have some sort of fun. So we made our way to his friends house, we then headed back home.

Because I didn't expect to encounter the issues we did when getting Ailey, I hadn't brought a bottle or anything for Zach and he was getting hungry. We tried to make our way back home, but once again got detoured. I tried to explain to the cop where I lived thinking he might let us through (a car ahead of us was allowed through - still unsure why), but he just told me I had to take the detour and I might not be able to get back home.

I was flustered and still reeling in the events of the day and wasn't thinking clearly. But as I started taking the detour I realized I could still get home by taking some back roads through neighborhoods. We got home just in time. Zach had about lost all patience.

I spent the next few minutes/hours trying to figure out what had happened and what the situation was.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but the jest of it is. A guy wearing a green dress of sorts, a white turban and a black mask walked into the Elementary School and demanding evacuation of the school and claimed he had bombs in his car, which he had driven up to the school doors.

It also was at a time when the early students had already left and were home, so there was only 200 - 300 students left at school at the time. This made it a bit easier for teachers, I'm sure. It also helped that our school had run an evacuation drill a couple weeks prior.

The man had sent an email to a couple of newspapers or something explaining that he was going to do just what he did. It was later revealed that he had a blog that had some disturbing items in it. In both the emails and blog he stated that he was a 'Radical Islamic Jihadist.' So that was cause for a lot of concern.

The police and other responders did what they were trained to do. There were even snipers around. Thankfully, things ended peacefully and when things were searched - they literally found nothing. Not in his car, not in the school, not even in his home. They also discovered he wasn't really a terrorist, just someone with a history of mental instability.

I was beyond relieved to hear that there was nothing behind his threat. But before you know the true story, the fears are very real. I honestly had never been so sick to my stomach thinking about all the things that could've happened and all the things my kids could've been a witness or victim to. It was a very long day and one that made me even more thankful for the safety of my kids. And there are at least 200 other parents out there feeling the same way.

Eric and I had decided the kids didn't have to go to school the next day. I felt everyone needed a 'mental health' day and Eric was a bit uncomfortable with them going back. However, the very next morning they both wanted to get back to school. Ailey mentioned that she just wanted to see her teacher.

Neither one of them wanted to walk to school though, so I drove them. When we arrived at school we saw that someone had gave the school a 'heart attack.' I knew this was in the works as we have a Facebook page for our community and someone spear headed this whole thing. But I didn't say anything to the kids. Ailey noticed right away and said, "Someone decorated the school. Why did they do that?" So I explained to her that people wanted the kids and teachers to know that they were loved and that they were amazing. She had a big smile on her face.

And that's the thing. I mentioned we live in a smallish area, but it is a community of love. We occasionally have beefs over silly things and there are many disagreements to be had on any given day, but when it comes down to it - this community loves and cares for one another and they band together for good.

If you don't think decorating a school was hard, here's something else to consider about this community....

The guy who started all this drama and caused a big scene has 2 kids of his own and a pregnant wife. And they live here. Can you imagine how this little family feels at this time? Someone else spearheaded an effort to gather items for the wife and kids of this man. There are meals being taken into the family among other efforts. I think that's pretty awesome that we can come together and see that she is also a victim in this situation and her heart is hurting every bit as much, and probably more so, than us as parents were.

So I am thankful at this time for the safety of my children, and for the love they all expressed for each other in a difficult circumstance. I am thankful for the school my kids attend and the faculty there. I am thankful for the citizen who opened her home for who knows how many 2nd - 6th graders to get them out of the sun. I am thankful for city leaders who had no problems sheltering the little kids where they have to do business daily. I am thankful for the many officers who spent a good portion of their day, Monday diverting traffic and waiting patiently for a peaceful ending. I'm thankful for the officers who then turned around the next day and offered to just be present at the school. I am thankful to live in a community that cares and rallies around each other, even if it is in the middle of nowhere.

About The Dogs

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my mind is constantly going. At any given time I am thinking of a million (okay, that might be an exaggeration) things at once. So what I'm going to write about today has been in the works for some time. But I want to start with this...

Right about the time I wanted to initially make this post, my cousin wrote something on Facebook that was sort of related. Some lady wrote an article on why people shouldn't call pets 'furbabies'. Ugh, the things people decide they should take up issue with (I realize I'm choosing to take issue with this). If you'd like to read her article, you can find it here. And here's what I have to say:

#1. I've given birth (7 times to be exact), I've also done the puppy thing.
#2. I'm not an animal rights activist. (I love animals and hate the way some are treated, but I'm not very vocal about it)
#3. I visit the zoo often. (Though I can see why there are people who are against zoos)
#4. Pets become a part of your family. (It just happens)
#5. I've never referred to my pets as my furbabies. (That's just not who I am)
#6. I don't give two hoots if someone does refer to their pets as a furbaby. It doesn't offend me. A mother! To 7 children!

Let's talk a bit more about that last issue, shall we?

You have zero right to call out those that do refer to their pets as furbabies. ZERO. You don't have any clue why these people do refer to them as such. In no way are these people trying to belittle motherhood or would they even claim that parenthood over a pet is the same as parenthood over a child.

However, they have plenty of good reason for calling them furbabies. In some ways I think these people are better pet owners than those of us who just give our pets a name and involve ourselves with them only some of the time.

Think about those who will never know what it's like to have children. Having a pet is the closest they're gonna get. Some people don't want children, but still want the companionship of a pet. And some people just love pets so much that it's natural for them to refer to the pets as furbabies.

Why in the world should it bother you so bad?

You make some valid issues on the differences between child rearing and being a pet owner, I'll give you that. But there are also some very key similarities that you failed to take into account.

- Both children and pets depend on someone to feed them.
- Both children and pets need someone to set an example of how they should act.
- Both children and pets want to feel needed and loved.
- Both children and pets will 'cry' when you leave the house. (I had one dog that would literally whine when we left)
- You need to potty train both children and pets. (Yes, you brought this up a bit and yes, it's not technically the same - but it is still hard work in either case)
- There are people who leave their children as easily as they leave their pets. (I'm not saying it's ideal, or that it's RIGHT, but people do it - so your argument there is a bit invalid)

Anyway, the point is. Give it up. People (especially strangers) who are calling their pets furbabies has NOTHING to do with your life. It's not going to make your world come crashing down around you and it definitely is not an insult to who you are as a mother. Besides that, everyone mothers in their own way, so why wouldn't it be okay for pet owners? Go find something else to take issue with...like the person taking their pet out for a walk, because that's insulting to those of us who take our babies out for walks!

Now, moving on...assuming anyone is still reading. What I really wanted to talk about was why it's so 'easy' to 'get rid' of our pets.

If you read the post about 2 before this one, you know we got rid of our dogs. It's not the first time we've done it and it was anything but easy. Physically it's an easy thing to do, emotionally - that's a different story. I've been missing those dogs like crazy and it's put me into a state of thought.

We've had 4 dogs in the past 10 years.

Foxy came first. Eric grew up with dogs his whole life and was determined to get a dog when we got our own place. We went to the shelter and met Foxy. For whatever reason we were anxious that we wouldn't be able to take her home and we had to wait a day to do so (I can't remember why). That day seemed to drag on and on and on. Then Eric finally got home and had Foxy with him and we all went crazy over that dog.

Foxy was a great dog and so obedient. She loved us all and the kids loved her right back. Even though she was large, she was a softie with the kids.

After awhile we felt that she could use some companionship and I wanted a small dog. So we ended up with a chihuahua that we named Milo. Milo was a good dog, for the most part. He was fiercely protective, but still great with the kids. He was a bit less obedient, but not terrible. The issue we started facing with him is that he liked to pee in the house. It was frustrating and super annoying, but we dealt with it.

Until Foxy started reverting back to also peeing in the house. Milo had also had a chance to escape and apparently bit a kid. Granted, I don't know what took place and chances are that the kid might have done something to annoy him (cause he had never bitten my kids), but I don't know. It made me nervous enough and I was pregnant enough to just be super annoyed.

After discussing things with Eric we decided it was probably best to surrender both dogs. I couldn't really say goodbye because it was hard to see them go. Eric even had to do the hardest part by taking them in. He swore we'd never get dogs again and I was good with that.

For a little while.

Shortly after Ailey was born, I decided we needed a dog again. I was looking at what shelters showed online and Eric kept putting me off. One day he finally broke down and said it was too hard to go to shelters. He wanted to take all of the dogs out of there and he just hated seeing the dogs in such a place. So we looked online for people who were selling pets.

We ran across an ad that featured cheagles. A cross between a chihuahua and a beagle. (I thought it was a made up name, but it's totally legit) I had to look at the picture a couple times before deciding I liked them. But there was a dark one that I definitely DID NOT want.

We make plans to meet up with the owner. (In a church parking lot so we're both safe, I guess) Well the owner ends up with the flu, but gets her neighbor to meet up with us. So he brings the two dogs that are still available (the ones from the ad) and we take a look. The dog I thought I wanted ended up NOT being the dog I wanted. The dark one I DIDN'T want suddenly became the one I wanted. She was smaller (come to find out she was the runt) and her color was much prettier in person. So we paid what the owner asked and had a new dog. We decided on the name Flower and brought her home. We also loved the fact that she was born on our anniversary.

I had never really had to do the whole training a puppy thing, but we learned fast. And having a 6 month old and a puppy was quite an adventure. We had to watch closely for when she had to go out and we got her potty trained in a good time frame. She was so good to stay close to us and even as she got older, if she got out - she didn't usually run off. We tried to keep her in a kennel at night, but she needed attention, so I laid her next to me on a towel. This also helped me get her outside when she needed to go potty. She was a good dog and ended up making sure she took good care of the kids. When Ailey would cry she'd make sure I took care of her. Flower also did this with the other kids when they were born. Somehow she ended up being 'Eric's dog' even though we initially got her for me. 

Before too long I was baby hungry, but Eric wasn't on board with doing the baby thing again. So one day I took a trip to the shelter and brought home a black mini-schnauzer. He was so cute and the quietest dog at the shelter. He also looked a lot like the breed of dog I had loved since I was a kid, a scottish terrier. I wanted to name him Scooter, but the kids didn't like it. So after searching for awhile we came up with Domino.

Domino was another awesome find. The only bad thing about him was that he liked to sneak off. If the kids left the door open he was gone. But he was such a sweetheart and liked everyone. He cried when we left the house and had tons of energy. The kids really enjoyed him as Flower was getting old and ornery and didn't much like to play anymore.

But every time we'd go on vacation, we'd have to find a sitter. Flower didn't like anyone coming in the house and was moody that we were gone and so she was hard for anyone to take care of. Shaylyn's best friend Mikayla was okay in Flower's mind, but Flower still wasn't crazy obedient for Mikayla and cause Mikayla some grief.

Then came the day our friends boys came to play with the kids. The kids opened the door before we had a chance to put Flower in our room (which we had to do when company came because she was so protective) and she bit one of the boys. It was the 2nd time one of those boys had been bit and so we decided we needed to find another home for her.

Weeks passed and we had a couple people interested, but nothing that we felt was good enough for her. Or we knew the situation wouldn't be good for the people interested. We then decided we were going to move. But just before we were going to list our house, we were going on a vacation and had no one to watch the dogs. We thought about putting them in a daycare type situation and paying for that, but then we discussed the move a bit more.

I was super concerned about showing the house with dogs. I didn't want to make the dogs stay outside for hours on end (they were indoor dogs) while people saw the house, but I also knew the stress of the dogs and people seeing the house would put me over the edge. Neither Eric nor I also wanted the dogs to mess up a new house that we were going to buy, so we decided it was time to say goodbye.

And it was hard. Shaylyn had an especially hard time with it and Eric had to once again, do the hardest part. He came home and said something to the effect of we are definitely done with dogs because he never wants to surrender a dog again.

I don't blame him. My heart aches every time Jace mentions Domino or one of the other kids says something about either dog. I feel slightly guilty as the move was my idea and ergo, losing the dogs was also my fault.

There are things that are easier without the dogs, and the house showings were a lot easier. There's less commotion when someone comes to the door now and I don't have to worry about a wandering dog if the kids leave a door open.

But I miss the companionship. I miss the fact that there was always someone excited to see you. It feels weird to look at the back door and realize I haven't opened it in days, when it used to be a daily thing, multiple times a day. I miss the fact that at bedtime my feet were always warmed up. I miss Flower giving Eric hugs. I miss not having Flower make sure I'm grabbing the baby when he cries. I'm sad I won't get to see how old Flower will grow to be. I'm sad I don't get to see the kids playing with Domino and him loving them right back.

There's definitely something to be said for having dogs. And I miss each of ours and I constantly wonder about them. I pray they each found a good home with owners who treat them right. I miss them daily and that's something I never thought I'd say about a dog.

So while it was physically easy to surrender the dogs, the emotional ramifications will be with us for years to come....