Sad Mom

There are a few things currently on my mind that I'd like to talk about, but life is life and it seems I'm always busy with other things. So, I get to play the game of which topic should I discuss at this moment in time. The winner is aptly titled: Sad Mom.

A couple months ago I was talking with Shaylyn (or rather, in full honesty: gossiping) about someone we know. I was expressing how it seemed she was always angry or frustrated and always yelling at her kids. In her defense, she has quite a few and they are all fairly young. I was contrasting that with another mother that we know (also with quite a few kids) who always seemed happy and upbeat and disciplined her children calmly and quietly. Now I know that no one knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors and the perceptions I have can be completely wrong. I'm just saying what I see and explaining the story. After I was done talking, Shaylyn simply said, "Well you're always sad, so what's the difference?" (In regards to the overtired mother)

I was shocked. I had nothing to say. I had no response for her. I just stood there. My mind was going a thousand miles a minute and the one thing Eric had been asking me many different times over the course of a very long period of time was, "Do you really want your kids to think that you were always sad?" Or something to that effect. My answer was, of course, "No." And I thought I was doing my best to hide it from them, but I realized in that moment that I had failed.

The other kids may not have noticed quite like Shaylyn did as she's always been able to pick up on subtle (or not so subtle) things, but even with only one of them noticing - it was still a 'failure.'

After that discussion I had told myself to try harder to be happy (at least in front of the kids) and though I wasn't doing great, I felt I was doing and getting better. But life can sometimes suck and for every step forward you take two steps back.

Such was the case in the month of June.

Before I get to that, perhaps I should give a little more insight as to why the situations in June affected me the way they did.

I've been around kids my whole life. I was the third of 7 and so I had a lot of experience with babies and little kids. I also had the luxury of getting Mom or asking my mom what to do. Most of the time she took over (as she was the mom), but a few times I learned a thing or two. I joke that I raised my baby brother as he was born when I was 15 and taking care of him was fun to me.

Flash forward to when I had Tanis. I felt prepared. I knew there were things that would come up that I didn't necessarily KNOW, but there were enough people around me that I could figure it out. Tanis was a fairly easy baby, all things considered - especially with what I know now. I do remember crying when he was fairly new though because he wouldn't go to sleep at night. I don't think I would've been quite so stressed if we weren't in an apartment. The added stress that having neighbors brought was not a good thing for me. But all in all, it didn't last that long and like I said he was an easy baby.

And with each kid came a little bit more ease and peace of mind. I wasn't as uptight when Shaylyn came along and felt super grateful for the neighbors we had with Lex. The rest of the kids were born when we had our own home and there was a peace about not having neighbors sharing a wall.

Neighbors weren't really my biggest issue, however. My biggest issue came from family members. And it wasn't family members who KNEW what they were talking about (i.e. the moms). It came from family members who HAD NEVER even had kids, but they seemed to know EVERYTHING there was when it came to parenting. And everything I was doing was completely WRONG. And because I was so young, I apparently knew NOTHING.

Have you ever watched your child be spanked by someone other than your spouse? It's pretty much horrible and it happened twice to me, by two different family members to two different children. And guess what...One of those time the kid was smacked by someone who didn't understand the full situation and thought it was their place to discipline MY child for crying....And here's the kicker...my kid was crying because he missed his Daddy and wanted to go somewhere with his Daddy. He wasn't doing it to be stubborn or obnoxious. He just wanted his Daddy. Worst part was we were on vacation. Eric had the car. I grabbed my kid (left the other kids where we were - not my finest moment, but I was ANGRY) and walked to the place where we were staying. The other situation may have been 'called' for, but it definitely NOT that person's place. Once again, I took my kids and bolted like a bat out of hell. Oh, and did you realize these both happened at a time when Eric wasn't around? Yup, they didn't dare do much if Eric was around, but if I was alone - they let loose.

Why is it so hard for people to let me discipline my children in my way? I don't think it's healthy or right to discipline them harshly and definitely not physically in front of other people. But that's me and you know, what do I know? 

Anyway, so after enough time I let things blow off and while I try not to live in the past and I feel like I forgiven in most situations, it's hard to forget. 

It was never in my plan to have a large family. For awhile (in jr. high and high school) I wasn't even sure I wanted kids. Then I decided I only wanted a few. By the time Eric and I got married we kind of settled on 4 because he wanted 3, but I had a thing with odd numbers. (HAHAHA!) Heavenly Father knew better and blessed us with our wonderful 7 and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Because I have a low self-esteem, one of the only things I feel I am ANY good at is being a mom. I feel I do especially well when they are babies. Perhaps because they are fairly predictable and there's not a lot in that department that surprises me anymore. And through the years I've learned a few things, changed a few things and adapted different techniques. I know what works.

Also because I've been blessed with 7 very different personalities, I KNOW there is NOT one single way that is RIGHT on how to parent a child. 

And that's the problem we have/had. Everyone else thinks they know the best ways to parent MY kids. One of my biggest pet peeves is that everyone is an expert on how to handle an issue with any given child. Um, hello, no! What you don't know is that I've been working on these issues with my kids and I'm doing it my way and in the way I think best benefits that child. Just because it's not the way YOU would do it, does not mean I am WRONG.

This is where I get hung up. There are so many naysayers in the family (sad, but true) who pretty much seem to get their thrills telling me where I'm going wrong. I don't ask for advice, they just like to hand it out. Most of the time I want to tell them to go to hell and leave me the *bleep* alone. But that's not who I am. So while in my head that's the phrase I'm screaming, I sit there quietly and nod and let the negative sink in. And my negative me is extremely negative. And I tend to hold on to things that have been said/done for years on end. Things most of these people probably don't even remember saying, but you can't take back what's been said or how it makes someone feel.

And what these people (family, remember) have done to me is tragic. They have taken away the essence of my whole being. They've taken away my belief that I am a damn good mother. They've taken away my peace of mind. They've put more stress on my husband, who has to fight tooth and nail to put back everything that was taken away. They've stripped my children of the mother they SHOULD have and the mother they truly deserve. In their effort to help my children, they've negatively impacted them. All my children get to see now, is a very frail version of her. One that breaks anytime I should remember things of the past, anytime some new situation arises that isn't handled well and anytime a bigger issue comes up that I do my best to handle, but all the while have that damn voice telling me it's wrong, it's not going to work and so and so will really have something to say about this.

What anyone says really shouldn't matter, and I can usually let the stupid things strangers say go. But when it comes from family, from the people who should be helping and lending an ear and those who should really just care about the results, and not the way the results happen. Or even offering non-solicited advice, it just hurts. I DON'T NEED YOUR ADVICE! I've had enough of it to last a lifetime. I just want some reassurance or you know, some empathy. And it really hurts that I don't get that. I can count on one hand the number of family members who've never tried to solve my problems or who've given unsolicited advice. They are the same people who are fighting for me and not against me. I wish I could say that was everyone.

So back to June. Within a 2 or 3 week period I had two experiences happen from the same person and it pretty much shattered me to my core. 

The first one - we were at a family gathering and there were cupcakes. My 2 year old was doing his best to eat this cupcake and try to stay where he was. I was in the next room (open concept here, so I had sight on this boy) feeding the baby and getting him to sleep. A family members comes along with the broom and starts sweeping right under these kids' feet (another kid and a cousin were also having a cupcake). This person tells the kids to move, so they go sit on the top step (laminate floor). Next thing I know this person is yelling at me like I'm 10 years old and like there's a fire. Apparently my 2 year old was wiping his fingers on the carpet of the floor and the walls. And of course, he was doing it on purpose! His whole plan was to paint this persons wall and carpet with frosting. Anyway, because Eric realizes I have the baby and he had just fallen asleep (person who yelled at me was oblivious to this fact) and takes care of the issue. An issue that wouldn't have even been an issue had said person let the kids finish the stupid cupcakes before they decided to clean! Hello, let's use our brain here.

The second issue happened the day of my grandma's viewing, of all freaking days...

We were at the same place waiting until it was time to go to the viewing. Because I did the video, I needed to make sure I got there early enough to get it started before people started arriving. Eric was going to stay with the kids and come a little bit later. He got all the kids piled in the car and took them somewhere until it was time to arrive. I got in the car with the people I was going with and prepared myself for the journey. 

I need to back up a bit....

We have a child that has an issue with the bathroom. This child is old enough that it shouldn't be an issue, but they have it. It's an issue we, as parents, are aware of and have tried many MANY different things to 'fix' it. It's still a work in progress. So this child sometimes leaves little balls of poop wherever they've traveled. It's gross, yes and I'm sick of dealing with it. But we're working on it and we have to be sensitive to this child at the same time.

Anyway, just before we leave - said person finds the trail of poop. And instead of asking us to clean up or something to that effect, he just goes off. So as soon as Eric hears what happens, he takes the child aside and has a very stern conversation with him. The person's response: "A lot of good talking is gonna do."

So then we all get in our vehicles. This person gets into the vehicle I am in and starts going off. They make a statement of "I'm so sick of it." In my head I want to scream, "You're sick of it? What the heck do you think I DO on a DAILY basis? This is the hell I get to live with DAILY. I also know that this child is sensitive and everything we've tried has yet to work. I don't even come to your house very often and YOU'RE sick of it!" This person is still going on, "Have you taken him to the Dr.?" I am trying to remain calm and not make a difficult night even worse, so I say nothing. The response, "You're quiet gives me the answer."

Going to the Dr. isn't quite so simple. I have a spouse who doesn't suspect the issue is something a Dr. really needs to be seen about. He feels the child is stubborn and will eventually grow out of it. (He has more recently said that a dr. might be okay, just so we can get a rx to make things a little easier for the kid) So, I didn't want to go against my husband. Plus, when you're depressed (again, another story for another day) it's difficult to do and go ANYWHERE (I haven't even been to my Dr. since the baby was born).

I finally can't take it anymore and start yelling back. I don't even remember at this point what I said, but I remember I have NEVER been so furious with anyone as I was with this person. I wanted to yell at this person and ask why they even cared so much because when they were raising children they didn't really get involved in their children's lives and left everything up to their spouse. But, I didn't.

We drove in silence the rest of the way there. My dear sweet baby sister (who had the unfortunate experience of being in the car) whispered all the words I needed to hear as we got out of the car that night. I am blessed to have her in my life and maybe she needed to be there for my saving grace.

So until we work out this issue with my child, I will not be returning to this person's home. I hope they can at least respect that, but I have a feeling they won't even realize why. And that's almost worse.

Shortly after this falling out, there was another family gathering planned. A gathering which we had agreed to attend when it was planned out, but as the time grew nearer and situations changed - Eric and I felt super uneasy about attending. This made the person who planned it out quite upset and I understood why they would be, but they put no effort into understand the place and position I have been it. I knew it wasn't mentally healthy to put myself and children in a position where another issue might happen and I just felt like something would. 

I want to protect my children and I will do my best to do so. And I'm sorry if that interferes with anyone else's plans or lives, but I have to do what's ultimately best for us. And I don't regret that decision in the least.

What I need to focus on right now, at this moment in my life, is being the happy mother that my kids deserve. They work so hard and are pretty great kids and they deserve a mother who can show them that they are wonderful. They need to know that I'm not sad BECAUSE of them. I wish they could understand it's the PEOPLE around me causing my sadness, but they can only understand that I'm sad and I know at least one of them is taking on a lot of guilt thinking it's from them. THAT KILLS ME! 

So please, tell the mothers that you know out there that they are doing awesome (I need to do this, myself). That they are doing great things for their children. That their children are just right for them. You never know who needs to hear it. I am so thankful for the friends and a couple of extended family members who let me know, on a consistent basis that I'm doing okay. I love them for that and I don't think any of them REALLY know what it's done for me. So if you are one of those people, thank you so much!!!! Please keep doing what you're doing and help me be the happy mom I know I can be.

I found this on Facebook a few days ago and it's the push I needed to make this post!

At Peace With Goodbye

*** First off and foremost, I need to give credit to my cousin, Paige for giving me the push I needed to make this post. I had thought about it, but she was on top of the game and wrote her post about this subject the day after. ***

I haven't blogged on any of my 3 blogs (this one included) for months. I've been dealing with personal issues, which I should probably talk about at some point - but not today, and as such I've found many reasons to avoid the computer and I've also just found myself extremely busy. But I have stuff to say today and hopefully it'll help get me back on track with my blogging. FINGERS CROSSED!

I think I mentioned on the 'family' blog that my maternal grandma was living in an assisted living facility for the last bit of time. (Don't hate me, I don't really know the EXACT amount of time) Up until the time she was moved to the assited living facility, she was doing a pretty darn good job of living on her own and taking care of herself. For awhile a cousin of mine was living with her and helping to take care of her, but his situation was going to be changing and Grandma started to decline as well. It was then that my mom and her siblings decided to move Grandma out of the house she'd lived in for most of her married life and into the assisted living facility.

Before they sold Grandma's home, my mom said we were free to come and get anything we wanted of Grandma's that she couldn't take with her. I was busy the day that was happening and besides that it felt wrong to take Grandma's stuff. I especially didn't want to potentially fight with other family members for 'things'. I asked my older sister to just grab things I had made and given to Grandma. That's all I wanted.

Grandma was sad to not be at her home and from what my mom told me, kind of frustrated that she couldn't just live with each of her 5 kids for certain periods of time. Sadly, that just wasn't possible as 2 of my uncles are just super busy and they both have wives that aren't the healthiest. My aunt is just crazy busy as well trying to do a million things for a million different people. My mom works full time and just didn't feel she would be able to do the things Grandma needed. I think that last part was a big part of the issue for all of my grandma's kids as well. They felt better having her in a place with medically trained professionals.

Since living in the assisted living facility we had plenty of periods where Grandma would get really sick and her kids were sure it was reaching the end. But Grandma would always punch right back up after awhile and continue to live on. Of course we were all thrilled that she was hanging on, but she was getting tired of it. When I would visit her (which wasn't often as she had a hard time remembering just who people were - outside of her kids) she'd always say, "I don't know why I'm still here." I'd tell her that it was because we (as a whole family) were selfish and we weren't ready to let her go. She'd smile and kind of laugh. Another favorite line of hers was, "I'm so mad at Grandpa. He hasn't come to get me yet." That's when I'd laugh and inside feel just a little bit grateful that Grandpa still hadn't kept his promise.

Around Mother's Day, my mom and sisters and I had planned to have a weekend away and the possibility of visiting Grandma and having lunch was brought up. Well, the weekend didn't go as planned for me (yet another story for another day) and my mom and sisters did something different. So my mom decided we should do a girl's thing on May 21st and have lunch with Grandma. Somehow, the message that it was just a girl's thing didn't get passed on to everyone so my little sister brought all her kids and her husband and my little brother came. My mom told me this ahead of time and I had the option of bringing the family, but Eric wouldn't be able to come and taking 7 kids to this place seemed like a bad idea. So I decided I'd have a girls day with my girls and Zach. Zach got to come cause he's a baby and given the situation, he just needed to be with me.

We had a great lunch and I remember Grandma saying, "I know who each of you are." I wondered if she really did or if she said it in an effort to make us feel good. My mom had brought soup for Grandma and she ate a little bit, but only a bit. When we started to clean up she tried to save her soup by putting a paper towel over it. My older sister was ready to take it up to her room for her, but my mom (knowing Grandma wouldn't eat it) threw it out when she wasn't looking. Grandma grew up in the age where you didn't let anything go to waste and it was proof that habits die hard.

After lunch we headed up to her small room to visit for just a little bit. My little sister's husband took the kids across the street to play at the playground at a school for a while and it was nice to have a visit without needing to get after kids. Because the other kids were gone Grandma got the chance to visit with her newest great-grandbaby. Zach absolutely loved Grandma and offered smile upon smile. I had a thought that it may be the last time we got to see Grandma, so I made sure to take a few pictures.

About a week later I got a call from my mom telling me that my Grandma was in Congestive Heart Failure and the medical people at the facility said it's something she could live with for weeks to months. But the fact that she was still able to produce a good, hearty laugh was a positive. It was nice to be given some warning that things could go bad at any time. But seeing as how grandma had made it as long as she had, I figured we'd get months with her.

On May 31st, I got a text saying that things had gotten bad and Grandma was pretty sick. The nurses gave her till the end of the week. So for that whole week I waited by my phone expecting a call at any time. The weekend came and went and I didn't hear anything.

My mom sent a text on Monday the 6th, saying that Grandma had once again defied odds and was still hanging out. She wasn't going to get better, but she had made it through the weekend and even the nurse was surprised at that. The next morning I got a text from my mom saying that it was getting close. A couple hours later I got the text that Grandma had passed on. I was surprised that I took it as well as I did. But there was a sense of peace about the whole thing and I knew that she was in a better place and with people she had missed for so many years on earth.

When my Mom talked to me when she knew Grandma was getting bad she asked me if I'd do the memorial tribute video. I was both honored and overwhelmed. I was glad to do it and grateful my mom, aunt and uncles trusted me to do it, but I was afraid it wouldn't be all that they were expecting. So in my true style, I put it off until I couldn't anymore. I got in touch with the family members I have as friends on Facebook and asked for any pictures they had. I was so thankful for the help and I think in the end I was able to include each of Grandma's kids and grandkids at least once. I really struggled with trying to fit a person's whole life into a short amount of time. In the end the video ended up being less than a half hour. I made sure to include a couple songs that I knew were her favorites and then a couple that could be viewed as things I wanted to say to her.

The viewing was on Sunday night and I went a bit early with my parents so that I could get the video up and playing before people started to arrive. Thankfully Eric is a true Boy Scout and made sure we had the video on something other than a DVD because the DVD player the funeral home had didn't like the DVD. So I went about hooking up the video the way Eric had instructed and had it playing, but couldn't get the sound to go through the TV, so when Eric arrived he went to work getting that set up.

We stayed for the whole viewing as we didn't want to leave our own equipment at the funeral home and hope that my parents remembered to grab it when they left. It turned out to be a long night for the kids, but most of them did a pretty good job.

I was kind of surprised at how many people stopped to actually watch the video. I figured it'd just play in the background and people would see what they saw, but there was people that actually sat down to view it.

At the end of the night, my aunt and a couple of my uncles let me know I did a good job and I finally felt relief knowing that I hadn't let them down. We talked to my uncle, Roger about the video playing during the viewing before the funeral the next morning. The funeral would be in the church building my Grandma went to for most of her adult life. Which is also an hour away from our house using the freeway. We promised we'd do our best to get there before things got started and get the video playing. We also assured my uncle we wouldn't need anything from the library and we'd just use our own stuff.

We got home probably around 11 and we all went straight to bed. We were up the next morning by 6:30 and had the kids up by about 7. We got everyone ready to go and we were out the door only minutes after we had planned, but we should have plenty of time to get to the church before the viewing started. But then we met up with traffic. Lots of traffic. We still got there before the viewing technically started, but just barely. Eric got the video set to go and we discovered it was a good thing we brought our own stuff as Roger was having difficulties gettng into the library. We spent the next couple hours in the Relief Society room waiting for the funeral to start.

I had a harder day this day and just about lost it just before the family prayer and when they closed the casket. Something about that always seems so final. We then filed into the Chapel and Grandma's family pretty much took up the whole front middle section of the chapel.

My aunt, uncles and mom all spoke of the lady they knew as a mother and it was so nice to get a glimpse of her life as a mother. My cousin (the oldest of the cousins) also spoke and she spoke of everything we experienced as grandchildren. She experienced a few different things as she was an older grandkid and I was a younger one, but one thing rang true - my grandma loved holidays and creating traditions that she kept throughout the years. There was laughter and tears and I couldn't help but think Grandma would be embarrassed by everything that was being said and she'd say that she didn't deserve it.

About a week before the funeral my uncle took to Facebook to ask if anyone could print off some lyrics to some songs that he liked that reminded him of his parents. I told him I would do it as it would be fairly easy and I got a nice, new printer for Mother's Day. He used a couple songs for his euology. He gave me a gift for doing this for him. He had given this item to Grandma at some point in time and when it was time to clean out her room at the assisted living facility, he grabbed it and gave it to me. I absolutely love it and was so thankful he thought to give it to me.

We then made our way to the interment. The interment was to take place at the cemetary where my grandpa, cousin and Eric's dad are buried. Because we had left so early in the morning, Eric didn't get breakfast and the kids were getting hungry. The sky had also opened up and rained cats and dogs, so we left before the procession to stop and grab a snack and some umbrellas. We ended up almost directly behind the hearse when we got to the cemetary, so we were glad we weren't late.

We got the kids out of the car and situated everyone under our umbrellas. We didn't quite have room for Zach under the umbrella, so I asked my mom if we could leave him, in his carseat, next to her under the tent. She agreed and pretty much was ready to ask us if we wanted to put him there. (Great minds thinking alike or something)

Before they got started they wanted to make sure everyone was there. We soon noticed an uncle was missing. For whatever reason, they gave him another couple minutes and started anyway. I was nervous about my uncle and felt super bad that they started this without him - but no one had a way to get a hold of him as he doesn't have a cell phone.

When Grandma's dedication was over, Eric excused himself. I thought I heard him say, "I'm gonna go call Greg." (Eric was in the middle of mass chaos on his family's side this same week) But then I noticed he had wandered over to his dad's grave - which is only a few feet from my grandparents. I then went over to be with him. It was one of those times I knew he just needed me.

We then headed back to the church for the luncheon. To my surprise we had a wonderful layout of food that looked like it had been catered. To my even greater surprise I found out that my Grandma's wonderful Polynesian neighbors had done the food for us. They had so much food there and even planned for people to take food home by bringing take home boxes.

This wonderful neighbor of my grandma's explained how Grandma had been like a Grandma to his girls as his parents had died before his girls were born. He gave a small little speech about who Grandma was to them and I could totally see it.

I found out that these were also the people that had bought Grandma's house when the family sold it and they rent it out. But I also found out that the Polynesian's tend to name their homes and they gave Grandma's home the name of , 'Nin' which was her nickname.

Something else these neighbors did that really touched me was that the flower centerpieces they brought were all roses from Grandma's yard. This was a huge deal to us all as Grandpa's love was gardening. We grew up with flowers galore surrounding their yard. At the end of the meal we were told that we could take the centerpieces with us. I was visiting with some family members and Tanis asked if I wanted to take one and so I told him to grab the yellow one.

I was really quite surprised at how easy this funeral was for me. Every other funeral I've been to, I've cried like a baby. But there was a peacefulness that came with Grandma's. Perhaps it was because I'd been prepping for it for years, but I think it was more than that.

It's defnitely going to be weird without her and I know my mom has already had some moments where she wanted to go to her mom for something or tell her some story, only to realize she couldn't relay info like she used to.

I just want to be the type of mom her kids all remember her being. One that didn't need to yell and scream to get her kids to do things. A mom that didn't need to lecture about things. A person who was accepting of everyone flaws and all. Since her passing the sentence that keeps coming to mind is: "Just love them." So I'll do my best to just love them. Grandma certainly knew how to really LOVE a person and was a great example of it. It should be an easy task as long as I follow her example.