You Take The Good, You Take The Bad

It's close to midnight and I've just spent the past half hour or so watching the baby, Zach play. That doesn't sound like something too terribly abnormal or something to even write about, and normally I wouldn't even bother. But tonight, it is. Tonight (though I'd really like to be in bed), is something I am thankful to see.

Eric had the day off on Friday (Veteran's Day), so we decided to take advantage of it and go to a movie. 5 of the kids were in school, my friend took Jace and we just had Zach. We timed the movie pretty well to match up with Zach's nap schedule and he didn't disappoint and slept through the whole thing. During the movie I could tell that I wasn't feeling well and it felt very much like the flu was coming on. After the movie, I held Zach for a minute and thought he felt kind of warm. Eric didn't think he felt warm, but did think he may not feel the greatest. In my head I chalked it up to issues with teething and left it at that.

Because I still wasn't feeling great, when we got home I went straight to bed. I couldn't fall asleep, but was resting. Eric decided he was going to go run an errand and took some of the kids with him. He had Zach lie down next to me and before too long he was out. Because the only kids left at home are old enough to fend for themselves, I tried to fall asleep again. But before I did I made sure to take a 'selfie' for no reason, other than to have it. One day I can show my grown boys that they used to love their mother.

After a short nap, I woke up and was on fire. Zach was quite warm. We still just figured he was feeling a bit under the weather, and gave him ibruprofen to help with the fever.

By Saturday he had a small little cough, and was acting like he didn't feel real well, but he still had his moments of wanting to play and the medicine was keeping the fever down. By the time he went to bed Saturday night I had noticed his cough didn't sound very fun.

I had decided last night that I wouldn't make it to church today. I'd stay home with Zach and I'd send Eric and the kids to church. It was our Primary Program and though I was super sad to miss it, I knew the little kids should be there to participate and Eric should at least be there to keep our class (9 year olds) in control.

Then this morning came around. All weekend I've been dealing with some sort of something. It thankfully isn't the flu, but something just isn't right. So I woke up and knew that there was no way I was going to church. I had been tossing the idea of just going to Sacrament, then coming home and trading places with Eric or something - but I knew I wasn't going to feel well enough to go.

Then Zach woke up and EVERYTHING changed. As soon as he woke up we knew he'd need to see a dr. He sounded awful. His cough was super barky and his breathing was a bit raspy and labored. After he had his bottle, we also noticed that he was super lethargic. He almost fell right back to sleep. We got ready to go and I made sure to let someone know we wouldn't be at church today and I felt awful for doing it on Primary Program Sunday. But, my baby was my first priority.

We got to Instacare and found that Sunday's are fairly busy days. It took like 5 minutes to even get signed in. Then we probably waited another 10 or 15 in the waiting room and then we were taken back to a room.

The nurse got Zach's weight and then his temp. It was around 101. She then had to get a read on his oxygen level. This required something being wrapped around Zach's foot and he didn't like that. Or maybe it was just that he wasn't being held at the time. Ailey had come with us and didn't much like having the thing wrapped around her brother's foot either. I think she was concerned it meant something was really wrong with him. Bless her heart. Thankfully his oxygen level was at 96 or 97. I was thankful for that. After she got the info of how long things had been happening and all of that, she left.

The doctor came in about 5 minutes later. He could tell Zach wasn't feeling well and wend to work on his exam. He checked his lungs, made sure to check his ears - both of which looked good. His throat looked just a bit red, but he didn't seem too concerned about that. I was worried we wouldn't get a good cough out of Zach while the doctor was in the room, but Zach made sure the doctor heard what he needed to hear. The doctor pretty much only said, "Yup, that's croup."

Which is a mixed 'blessing'. It's viral, which means antibiotics won't do anything, and it's also something you really just have to wait out. There are things to help it, but it's really a waiting game type of ailment.

The doctor said there was a steroid they'd give him there to help open the lungs and stuff, but other than that, it's a game of switching ibruprofen with tylenol. And all that helps is the fever. Being that Zach is baby #7, we also know a few things that help.

{...Don't ask about the look on my face...I think I was relieved to hear it wasn't worse than I thought and I was relieved he didn't need a shot...}

We made a quick trip to Walmart to grab the baby ibruprofen cause we only had tylenol. We then headed home and Zach was ready for a nap. Sadly it only lasted about an hour because some of his siblings were being a bit too loud.

So we had a sick, overtired, uncomfortable baby for a few hours. He finally took another nap, but that started around 5. Eric had made plans to have the Elder's Quorum president come visit with him around 6 and mentioned that we could give Zach a blessing while he was here. I told Eric I didn't really want to wake him up, but if he did wake up with the president was here, we could definitely do that. If not, maybe we could ask another friend to come over a bit later.

Well Zach was still asleep when the president left, so we let him sleep. I had Eric tell his friend to come around 8 thinking Zach would be awake. Our friend came over a bit after 8:00 and I had to wake him up. I was okay doing so because I didn't want to wake up at 3 in the morning after letting him go to bed so early. He also needed a dry diaper.

The men gave Zach a blessing and I then fed him. He was still a bit fussy, so we gave him another dose of medicine. (Playing the switching game here) He snuggled up with Eric for a bit and when Eric decided he needed to get to bed, he got Zach interested in something. Before too long Zach was up to his old tricks, exploring the places he loves to play and playing with the 'toys' he loves to play with: daddy's tools, under the bed and door stoppers, to name a few. It was awesome. I really didn't care that I was so tired, I was just so glad to see my baby happy and playing again.

I am super thankful for my blessings of today and the things that have occurred....

- To start with, as soon as we decided we needed to focus on getting the baby better, everything I felt was just gone. (It's coming back again, but maybe just cause I'm so tired...)
- I'm thankful for a husband who cares as much as I do about being there for our sick kids. Even though either one of us could take the kid(s) alone, it's nice to have moral support.
- We live in a day and age where medical personnel are readily available.
- We live in a day of great medicine that even babies are okay to have.
- We live in a great neighborhood and an awesome ward. When I told the secretary we wouldn't make it, she went above her calling to say, "If you need anything, let me know." Let me just mention that she is also the bishop's wife and has 5 kids of her own she was trying to get ready on this Sabbath day.
- While I was super sad to miss the program today and the spirit it always brings, and because I especially love it when the program is just before or after my birthday (just before, in this case), it was really hard. But, we had the chance to hear the program twice last week and though the spirit wasn't the same - I still got to hear what the program was. And most of the talks came from our class and these kids blow me away all the time.
- We were blessed that our friend took time out of his Sunday to come give our baby a blessing.
- We are blessed to have the Priesthood on the earth today.

Most people will attribute the baby's actions tonight as coming from medicine. I won't deny that the medicine played a part, but I'm not going to say that was the only thing. I know that the blessing he received also played a part. I'm so happy that Eric thought about a blessing, because it didn't even cross my mind today.

I am just thankful to be who I am and live where I do and have the people around me that I do. I am truly blessed and I'm glad I get to go to bed having seen my baby almost back to his happy, playful self.

How I Feel...

To borrow the lyrics from a song by Snow Patrol, "I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel."

But because I do better when I write things down, I'm going to try.

For the past 10 years we've lived in a place we like to refer to as 'the middle of nowhere.' It's not quite a town, but it isn't a bustling city either. We have to drive about 10 minutes to a gas station (for the time being - one is being built very close by), and just a little over that for a grocery store. To get to anything else, you're driving 20 minutes out. If you want something super fun, like a Target or an Olive Garden - you're looking at at least 30 minutes.

But it's quiet and full of kids. (Kind of an oxymoron, I know) And for the most part we've felt safe here in our little neck of the woods. That all changed yesterday afternoon.

As Monday's go out here, it's early out day for the schools. The 3 older kids had arrived home and there's about a half hour between the time the Jr. High schoolers get home and when the Elementary kids get home.

I was busy packing for our move and watching the time. I had to take Shaylyn and her friend to cheer practice. We were going to need to leave a little earlier than usual because I needed to stop for gas and Lex wanted to be dropped off at a friends house.

So I'm watching the time and as it inches closer to 3:00, I start wondering where my little kids are. They are usually home by about 2:45. I just kind of think to myself that they maybe walked with a friend and are being a little slow today.

Before I decide to get in the car to take Shaylyn, I check Facebook and see a notification on our little neighborhood page that informs us that there was a bomb threat at the elementary and all the kids were evacuated.

My heart drops. I was glad to hear my kids were safe, but I wanted to get them and know where they were. Within a few minutes there was another notice letting us know where the kids were. I piled everyone in the car and we went to get the kids.

At the first intersection we came to, an officer let me know that my 3rd grader was at a house just ahead of us (I could see a bunch of kids in a backyard), and that my 1st grader was at City Hall.

I made my way to the house and after parking where I could, I followed the crowd into the house and out the back door. There was a gentleman asking who I was looking for, a lady then asked for the teacher. Problem is Nate has a teacher in the morning and one in the afternoon and I couldn't remember either name. As I was explaining that he had 2 teachers, Nate and his teacher walked up to me. I grabbed that boys hand and didn't let go until we were safely to the car. On the way to the car though, Nate asked if Ailey was okay. That brought the tears, I assured him she was safe and that we were headed to get her.

I attempted to make my way to City Hall, but got stopped at an intersection by another officer. I made sure the 1st graders were still there and he replied, "Yes, but you can't get to them." And that's when the waterworks turned on. He tried to assure me that the kids were safe and in a safe place and that they just wanted to keep us safe as well. I guess I should mention that City Hall is across from the school. There is about a block or so between them, but it's a block of open space.

I knew he was just doing his job and so I thanked him through tears and made my way through the detour.

After a minute of driving it occurred to me that there was a back way into City Hall. There isn't a road there, but a walking path and weeds. I parked where the road ends and saw a few other parents using this tactic, and I followed suit. At that point in time, it wasn't enough that my daughter was safe, with school personnel and city workers - in a safe place. I just wanted her safe WITH ME.

I was also concerned about her well being. She worries about some things that wouldn't stress most people out. She has a major fear of the rain and storms and hates when family members aren't inside during either event. She passed up going to a movie and to a store with her Grandma for birthday celebrations because of rain. So I was nervous as to how she was doing.

I get into City Hall and find where the kids are. Ailey seems to be doing okay for the most part, she is playing with one of her good friends. A teacher asks how she's doing and she starts to tear up a bit. I wait for her teacher to finish with a parent ahead of me, and in the mean time another teacher has me sign the paper so they know Ailey went with a parent.

I scoop Ailey up into my arms and she just starts bawling. I carry my little girl, like she's a toddler again and I don't even care that it's awkward because of my full hands (I had my wallet and two paper airplanes she made in them). She buries her face into my shoulder and cries. Through her tears she asks about Nate. Once again, I am brought to tears. I assure her that he's in the car and we're headed to him.

I have to put her down to walk sooner than I would've liked to, but I am more out of shape than I'd like to admit. We get to the car and I notice that Nate was in full on tears, Shaylyn was also choked up. When we get Ailey in the car, Shaylyn and her share a hug that probably lasted a full minute if not longer.

By the time we had Ailey it was a little after 4. Shaylyn had to be at practice at 4, but because of the time and how shook up I still was, there was no way I was going to take her anymore. She wasn't really in the mood to go either. Lex, however, had wanted to go hang out with a friend who lives in another part of the city. Plans had fallen through a few days previous, so I wanted him to be able to have some sort of fun. So we made our way to his friends house, we then headed back home.

Because I didn't expect to encounter the issues we did when getting Ailey, I hadn't brought a bottle or anything for Zach and he was getting hungry. We tried to make our way back home, but once again got detoured. I tried to explain to the cop where I lived thinking he might let us through (a car ahead of us was allowed through - still unsure why), but he just told me I had to take the detour and I might not be able to get back home.

I was flustered and still reeling in the events of the day and wasn't thinking clearly. But as I started taking the detour I realized I could still get home by taking some back roads through neighborhoods. We got home just in time. Zach had about lost all patience.

I spent the next few minutes/hours trying to figure out what had happened and what the situation was.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but the jest of it is. A guy wearing a green dress of sorts, a white turban and a black mask walked into the Elementary School and demanding evacuation of the school and claimed he had bombs in his car, which he had driven up to the school doors.

It also was at a time when the early students had already left and were home, so there was only 200 - 300 students left at school at the time. This made it a bit easier for teachers, I'm sure. It also helped that our school had run an evacuation drill a couple weeks prior.

The man had sent an email to a couple of newspapers or something explaining that he was going to do just what he did. It was later revealed that he had a blog that had some disturbing items in it. In both the emails and blog he stated that he was a 'Radical Islamic Jihadist.' So that was cause for a lot of concern.

The police and other responders did what they were trained to do. There were even snipers around. Thankfully, things ended peacefully and when things were searched - they literally found nothing. Not in his car, not in the school, not even in his home. They also discovered he wasn't really a terrorist, just someone with a history of mental instability.

I was beyond relieved to hear that there was nothing behind his threat. But before you know the true story, the fears are very real. I honestly had never been so sick to my stomach thinking about all the things that could've happened and all the things my kids could've been a witness or victim to. It was a very long day and one that made me even more thankful for the safety of my kids. And there are at least 200 other parents out there feeling the same way.

Eric and I had decided the kids didn't have to go to school the next day. I felt everyone needed a 'mental health' day and Eric was a bit uncomfortable with them going back. However, the very next morning they both wanted to get back to school. Ailey mentioned that she just wanted to see her teacher.

Neither one of them wanted to walk to school though, so I drove them. When we arrived at school we saw that someone had gave the school a 'heart attack.' I knew this was in the works as we have a Facebook page for our community and someone spear headed this whole thing. But I didn't say anything to the kids. Ailey noticed right away and said, "Someone decorated the school. Why did they do that?" So I explained to her that people wanted the kids and teachers to know that they were loved and that they were amazing. She had a big smile on her face.

And that's the thing. I mentioned we live in a smallish area, but it is a community of love. We occasionally have beefs over silly things and there are many disagreements to be had on any given day, but when it comes down to it - this community loves and cares for one another and they band together for good.

If you don't think decorating a school was hard, here's something else to consider about this community....

The guy who started all this drama and caused a big scene has 2 kids of his own and a pregnant wife. And they live here. Can you imagine how this little family feels at this time? Someone else spearheaded an effort to gather items for the wife and kids of this man. There are meals being taken into the family among other efforts. I think that's pretty awesome that we can come together and see that she is also a victim in this situation and her heart is hurting every bit as much, and probably more so, than us as parents were.

So I am thankful at this time for the safety of my children, and for the love they all expressed for each other in a difficult circumstance. I am thankful for the school my kids attend and the faculty there. I am thankful for the citizen who opened her home for who knows how many 2nd - 6th graders to get them out of the sun. I am thankful for city leaders who had no problems sheltering the little kids where they have to do business daily. I am thankful for the many officers who spent a good portion of their day, Monday diverting traffic and waiting patiently for a peaceful ending. I'm thankful for the officers who then turned around the next day and offered to just be present at the school. I am thankful to live in a community that cares and rallies around each other, even if it is in the middle of nowhere.

About The Dogs

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my mind is constantly going. At any given time I am thinking of a million (okay, that might be an exaggeration) things at once. So what I'm going to write about today has been in the works for some time. But I want to start with this...

Right about the time I wanted to initially make this post, my cousin wrote something on Facebook that was sort of related. Some lady wrote an article on why people shouldn't call pets 'furbabies'. Ugh, the things people decide they should take up issue with (I realize I'm choosing to take issue with this). If you'd like to read her article, you can find it here. And here's what I have to say:

#1. I've given birth (7 times to be exact), I've also done the puppy thing.
#2. I'm not an animal rights activist. (I love animals and hate the way some are treated, but I'm not very vocal about it)
#3. I visit the zoo often. (Though I can see why there are people who are against zoos)
#4. Pets become a part of your family. (It just happens)
#5. I've never referred to my pets as my furbabies. (That's just not who I am)
#6. I don't give two hoots if someone does refer to their pets as a furbaby. It doesn't offend me. A mother! To 7 children!

Let's talk a bit more about that last issue, shall we?

You have zero right to call out those that do refer to their pets as furbabies. ZERO. You don't have any clue why these people do refer to them as such. In no way are these people trying to belittle motherhood or would they even claim that parenthood over a pet is the same as parenthood over a child.

However, they have plenty of good reason for calling them furbabies. In some ways I think these people are better pet owners than those of us who just give our pets a name and involve ourselves with them only some of the time.

Think about those who will never know what it's like to have children. Having a pet is the closest they're gonna get. Some people don't want children, but still want the companionship of a pet. And some people just love pets so much that it's natural for them to refer to the pets as furbabies.

Why in the world should it bother you so bad?

You make some valid issues on the differences between child rearing and being a pet owner, I'll give you that. But there are also some very key similarities that you failed to take into account.

- Both children and pets depend on someone to feed them.
- Both children and pets need someone to set an example of how they should act.
- Both children and pets want to feel needed and loved.
- Both children and pets will 'cry' when you leave the house. (I had one dog that would literally whine when we left)
- You need to potty train both children and pets. (Yes, you brought this up a bit and yes, it's not technically the same - but it is still hard work in either case)
- There are people who leave their children as easily as they leave their pets. (I'm not saying it's ideal, or that it's RIGHT, but people do it - so your argument there is a bit invalid)

Anyway, the point is. Give it up. People (especially strangers) who are calling their pets furbabies has NOTHING to do with your life. It's not going to make your world come crashing down around you and it definitely is not an insult to who you are as a mother. Besides that, everyone mothers in their own way, so why wouldn't it be okay for pet owners? Go find something else to take issue with...like the person taking their pet out for a walk, because that's insulting to those of us who take our babies out for walks!

Now, moving on...assuming anyone is still reading. What I really wanted to talk about was why it's so 'easy' to 'get rid' of our pets.

If you read the post about 2 before this one, you know we got rid of our dogs. It's not the first time we've done it and it was anything but easy. Physically it's an easy thing to do, emotionally - that's a different story. I've been missing those dogs like crazy and it's put me into a state of thought.

We've had 4 dogs in the past 10 years.

Foxy came first. Eric grew up with dogs his whole life and was determined to get a dog when we got our own place. We went to the shelter and met Foxy. For whatever reason we were anxious that we wouldn't be able to take her home and we had to wait a day to do so (I can't remember why). That day seemed to drag on and on and on. Then Eric finally got home and had Foxy with him and we all went crazy over that dog.

Foxy was a great dog and so obedient. She loved us all and the kids loved her right back. Even though she was large, she was a softie with the kids.

After awhile we felt that she could use some companionship and I wanted a small dog. So we ended up with a chihuahua that we named Milo. Milo was a good dog, for the most part. He was fiercely protective, but still great with the kids. He was a bit less obedient, but not terrible. The issue we started facing with him is that he liked to pee in the house. It was frustrating and super annoying, but we dealt with it.

Until Foxy started reverting back to also peeing in the house. Milo had also had a chance to escape and apparently bit a kid. Granted, I don't know what took place and chances are that the kid might have done something to annoy him (cause he had never bitten my kids), but I don't know. It made me nervous enough and I was pregnant enough to just be super annoyed.

After discussing things with Eric we decided it was probably best to surrender both dogs. I couldn't really say goodbye because it was hard to see them go. Eric even had to do the hardest part by taking them in. He swore we'd never get dogs again and I was good with that.

For a little while.

Shortly after Ailey was born, I decided we needed a dog again. I was looking at what shelters showed online and Eric kept putting me off. One day he finally broke down and said it was too hard to go to shelters. He wanted to take all of the dogs out of there and he just hated seeing the dogs in such a place. So we looked online for people who were selling pets.

We ran across an ad that featured cheagles. A cross between a chihuahua and a beagle. (I thought it was a made up name, but it's totally legit) I had to look at the picture a couple times before deciding I liked them. But there was a dark one that I definitely DID NOT want.

We make plans to meet up with the owner. (In a church parking lot so we're both safe, I guess) Well the owner ends up with the flu, but gets her neighbor to meet up with us. So he brings the two dogs that are still available (the ones from the ad) and we take a look. The dog I thought I wanted ended up NOT being the dog I wanted. The dark one I DIDN'T want suddenly became the one I wanted. She was smaller (come to find out she was the runt) and her color was much prettier in person. So we paid what the owner asked and had a new dog. We decided on the name Flower and brought her home. We also loved the fact that she was born on our anniversary.

I had never really had to do the whole training a puppy thing, but we learned fast. And having a 6 month old and a puppy was quite an adventure. We had to watch closely for when she had to go out and we got her potty trained in a good time frame. She was so good to stay close to us and even as she got older, if she got out - she didn't usually run off. We tried to keep her in a kennel at night, but she needed attention, so I laid her next to me on a towel. This also helped me get her outside when she needed to go potty. She was a good dog and ended up making sure she took good care of the kids. When Ailey would cry she'd make sure I took care of her. Flower also did this with the other kids when they were born. Somehow she ended up being 'Eric's dog' even though we initially got her for me. 

Before too long I was baby hungry, but Eric wasn't on board with doing the baby thing again. So one day I took a trip to the shelter and brought home a black mini-schnauzer. He was so cute and the quietest dog at the shelter. He also looked a lot like the breed of dog I had loved since I was a kid, a scottish terrier. I wanted to name him Scooter, but the kids didn't like it. So after searching for awhile we came up with Domino.

Domino was another awesome find. The only bad thing about him was that he liked to sneak off. If the kids left the door open he was gone. But he was such a sweetheart and liked everyone. He cried when we left the house and had tons of energy. The kids really enjoyed him as Flower was getting old and ornery and didn't much like to play anymore.

But every time we'd go on vacation, we'd have to find a sitter. Flower didn't like anyone coming in the house and was moody that we were gone and so she was hard for anyone to take care of. Shaylyn's best friend Mikayla was okay in Flower's mind, but Flower still wasn't crazy obedient for Mikayla and cause Mikayla some grief.

Then came the day our friends boys came to play with the kids. The kids opened the door before we had a chance to put Flower in our room (which we had to do when company came because she was so protective) and she bit one of the boys. It was the 2nd time one of those boys had been bit and so we decided we needed to find another home for her.

Weeks passed and we had a couple people interested, but nothing that we felt was good enough for her. Or we knew the situation wouldn't be good for the people interested. We then decided we were going to move. But just before we were going to list our house, we were going on a vacation and had no one to watch the dogs. We thought about putting them in a daycare type situation and paying for that, but then we discussed the move a bit more.

I was super concerned about showing the house with dogs. I didn't want to make the dogs stay outside for hours on end (they were indoor dogs) while people saw the house, but I also knew the stress of the dogs and people seeing the house would put me over the edge. Neither Eric nor I also wanted the dogs to mess up a new house that we were going to buy, so we decided it was time to say goodbye.

And it was hard. Shaylyn had an especially hard time with it and Eric had to once again, do the hardest part. He came home and said something to the effect of we are definitely done with dogs because he never wants to surrender a dog again.

I don't blame him. My heart aches every time Jace mentions Domino or one of the other kids says something about either dog. I feel slightly guilty as the move was my idea and ergo, losing the dogs was also my fault.

There are things that are easier without the dogs, and the house showings were a lot easier. There's less commotion when someone comes to the door now and I don't have to worry about a wandering dog if the kids leave a door open.

But I miss the companionship. I miss the fact that there was always someone excited to see you. It feels weird to look at the back door and realize I haven't opened it in days, when it used to be a daily thing, multiple times a day. I miss the fact that at bedtime my feet were always warmed up. I miss Flower giving Eric hugs. I miss not having Flower make sure I'm grabbing the baby when he cries. I'm sad I won't get to see how old Flower will grow to be. I'm sad I don't get to see the kids playing with Domino and him loving them right back.

There's definitely something to be said for having dogs. And I miss each of ours and I constantly wonder about them. I pray they each found a good home with owners who treat them right. I miss them daily and that's something I never thought I'd say about a dog.

So while it was physically easy to surrender the dogs, the emotional ramifications will be with us for years to come....

Sad Mom

There are a few things currently on my mind that I'd like to talk about, but life is life and it seems I'm always busy with other things. So, I get to play the game of which topic should I discuss at this moment in time. The winner is aptly titled: Sad Mom.

A couple months ago I was talking with Shaylyn (or rather, in full honesty: gossiping) about someone we know. I was expressing how it seemed she was always angry or frustrated and always yelling at her kids. In her defense, she has quite a few and they are all fairly young. I was contrasting that with another mother that we know (also with quite a few kids) who always seemed happy and upbeat and disciplined her children calmly and quietly. Now I know that no one knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors and the perceptions I have can be completely wrong. I'm just saying what I see and explaining the story. After I was done talking, Shaylyn simply said, "Well you're always sad, so what's the difference?" (In regards to the overtired mother)

I was shocked. I had nothing to say. I had no response for her. I just stood there. My mind was going a thousand miles a minute and the one thing Eric had been asking me many different times over the course of a very long period of time was, "Do you really want your kids to think that you were always sad?" Or something to that effect. My answer was, of course, "No." And I thought I was doing my best to hide it from them, but I realized in that moment that I had failed.

The other kids may not have noticed quite like Shaylyn did as she's always been able to pick up on subtle (or not so subtle) things, but even with only one of them noticing - it was still a 'failure.'

After that discussion I had told myself to try harder to be happy (at least in front of the kids) and though I wasn't doing great, I felt I was doing and getting better. But life can sometimes suck and for every step forward you take two steps back.

Such was the case in the month of June.

Before I get to that, perhaps I should give a little more insight as to why the situations in June affected me the way they did.

I've been around kids my whole life. I was the third of 7 and so I had a lot of experience with babies and little kids. I also had the luxury of getting Mom or asking my mom what to do. Most of the time she took over (as she was the mom), but a few times I learned a thing or two. I joke that I raised my baby brother as he was born when I was 15 and taking care of him was fun to me.

Flash forward to when I had Tanis. I felt prepared. I knew there were things that would come up that I didn't necessarily KNOW, but there were enough people around me that I could figure it out. Tanis was a fairly easy baby, all things considered - especially with what I know now. I do remember crying when he was fairly new though because he wouldn't go to sleep at night. I don't think I would've been quite so stressed if we weren't in an apartment. The added stress that having neighbors brought was not a good thing for me. But all in all, it didn't last that long and like I said he was an easy baby.

And with each kid came a little bit more ease and peace of mind. I wasn't as uptight when Shaylyn came along and felt super grateful for the neighbors we had with Lex. The rest of the kids were born when we had our own home and there was a peace about not having neighbors sharing a wall.

Neighbors weren't really my biggest issue, however. My biggest issue came from family members. And it wasn't family members who KNEW what they were talking about (i.e. the moms). It came from family members who HAD NEVER even had kids, but they seemed to know EVERYTHING there was when it came to parenting. And everything I was doing was completely WRONG. And because I was so young, I apparently knew NOTHING.

Have you ever watched your child be spanked by someone other than your spouse? It's pretty much horrible and it happened twice to me, by two different family members to two different children. And guess what...One of those time the kid was smacked by someone who didn't understand the full situation and thought it was their place to discipline MY child for crying....And here's the kicker...my kid was crying because he missed his Daddy and wanted to go somewhere with his Daddy. He wasn't doing it to be stubborn or obnoxious. He just wanted his Daddy. Worst part was we were on vacation. Eric had the car. I grabbed my kid (left the other kids where we were - not my finest moment, but I was ANGRY) and walked to the place where we were staying. The other situation may have been 'called' for, but it definitely NOT that person's place. Once again, I took my kids and bolted like a bat out of hell. Oh, and did you realize these both happened at a time when Eric wasn't around? Yup, they didn't dare do much if Eric was around, but if I was alone - they let loose.

Why is it so hard for people to let me discipline my children in my way? I don't think it's healthy or right to discipline them harshly and definitely not physically in front of other people. But that's me and you know, what do I know? 

Anyway, so after enough time I let things blow off and while I try not to live in the past and I feel like I forgiven in most situations, it's hard to forget. 

It was never in my plan to have a large family. For awhile (in jr. high and high school) I wasn't even sure I wanted kids. Then I decided I only wanted a few. By the time Eric and I got married we kind of settled on 4 because he wanted 3, but I had a thing with odd numbers. (HAHAHA!) Heavenly Father knew better and blessed us with our wonderful 7 and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Because I have a low self-esteem, one of the only things I feel I am ANY good at is being a mom. I feel I do especially well when they are babies. Perhaps because they are fairly predictable and there's not a lot in that department that surprises me anymore. And through the years I've learned a few things, changed a few things and adapted different techniques. I know what works.

Also because I've been blessed with 7 very different personalities, I KNOW there is NOT one single way that is RIGHT on how to parent a child. 

And that's the problem we have/had. Everyone else thinks they know the best ways to parent MY kids. One of my biggest pet peeves is that everyone is an expert on how to handle an issue with any given child. Um, hello, no! What you don't know is that I've been working on these issues with my kids and I'm doing it my way and in the way I think best benefits that child. Just because it's not the way YOU would do it, does not mean I am WRONG.

This is where I get hung up. There are so many naysayers in the family (sad, but true) who pretty much seem to get their thrills telling me where I'm going wrong. I don't ask for advice, they just like to hand it out. Most of the time I want to tell them to go to hell and leave me the *bleep* alone. But that's not who I am. So while in my head that's the phrase I'm screaming, I sit there quietly and nod and let the negative sink in. And my negative me is extremely negative. And I tend to hold on to things that have been said/done for years on end. Things most of these people probably don't even remember saying, but you can't take back what's been said or how it makes someone feel.

And what these people (family, remember) have done to me is tragic. They have taken away the essence of my whole being. They've taken away my belief that I am a damn good mother. They've taken away my peace of mind. They've put more stress on my husband, who has to fight tooth and nail to put back everything that was taken away. They've stripped my children of the mother they SHOULD have and the mother they truly deserve. In their effort to help my children, they've negatively impacted them. All my children get to see now, is a very frail version of her. One that breaks anytime I should remember things of the past, anytime some new situation arises that isn't handled well and anytime a bigger issue comes up that I do my best to handle, but all the while have that damn voice telling me it's wrong, it's not going to work and so and so will really have something to say about this.

What anyone says really shouldn't matter, and I can usually let the stupid things strangers say go. But when it comes from family, from the people who should be helping and lending an ear and those who should really just care about the results, and not the way the results happen. Or even offering non-solicited advice, it just hurts. I DON'T NEED YOUR ADVICE! I've had enough of it to last a lifetime. I just want some reassurance or you know, some empathy. And it really hurts that I don't get that. I can count on one hand the number of family members who've never tried to solve my problems or who've given unsolicited advice. They are the same people who are fighting for me and not against me. I wish I could say that was everyone.

So back to June. Within a 2 or 3 week period I had two experiences happen from the same person and it pretty much shattered me to my core. 

The first one - we were at a family gathering and there were cupcakes. My 2 year old was doing his best to eat this cupcake and try to stay where he was. I was in the next room (open concept here, so I had sight on this boy) feeding the baby and getting him to sleep. A family members comes along with the broom and starts sweeping right under these kids' feet (another kid and a cousin were also having a cupcake). This person tells the kids to move, so they go sit on the top step (laminate floor). Next thing I know this person is yelling at me like I'm 10 years old and like there's a fire. Apparently my 2 year old was wiping his fingers on the carpet of the floor and the walls. And of course, he was doing it on purpose! His whole plan was to paint this persons wall and carpet with frosting. Anyway, because Eric realizes I have the baby and he had just fallen asleep (person who yelled at me was oblivious to this fact) and takes care of the issue. An issue that wouldn't have even been an issue had said person let the kids finish the stupid cupcakes before they decided to clean! Hello, let's use our brain here.

The second issue happened the day of my grandma's viewing, of all freaking days...

We were at the same place waiting until it was time to go to the viewing. Because I did the video, I needed to make sure I got there early enough to get it started before people started arriving. Eric was going to stay with the kids and come a little bit later. He got all the kids piled in the car and took them somewhere until it was time to arrive. I got in the car with the people I was going with and prepared myself for the journey. 

I need to back up a bit....

We have a child that has an issue with the bathroom. This child is old enough that it shouldn't be an issue, but they have it. It's an issue we, as parents, are aware of and have tried many MANY different things to 'fix' it. It's still a work in progress. So this child sometimes leaves little balls of poop wherever they've traveled. It's gross, yes and I'm sick of dealing with it. But we're working on it and we have to be sensitive to this child at the same time.

Anyway, just before we leave - said person finds the trail of poop. And instead of asking us to clean up or something to that effect, he just goes off. So as soon as Eric hears what happens, he takes the child aside and has a very stern conversation with him. The person's response: "A lot of good talking is gonna do."

So then we all get in our vehicles. This person gets into the vehicle I am in and starts going off. They make a statement of "I'm so sick of it." In my head I want to scream, "You're sick of it? What the heck do you think I DO on a DAILY basis? This is the hell I get to live with DAILY. I also know that this child is sensitive and everything we've tried has yet to work. I don't even come to your house very often and YOU'RE sick of it!" This person is still going on, "Have you taken him to the Dr.?" I am trying to remain calm and not make a difficult night even worse, so I say nothing. The response, "You're quiet gives me the answer."

Going to the Dr. isn't quite so simple. I have a spouse who doesn't suspect the issue is something a Dr. really needs to be seen about. He feels the child is stubborn and will eventually grow out of it. (He has more recently said that a dr. might be okay, just so we can get a rx to make things a little easier for the kid) So, I didn't want to go against my husband. Plus, when you're depressed (again, another story for another day) it's difficult to do and go ANYWHERE (I haven't even been to my Dr. since the baby was born).

I finally can't take it anymore and start yelling back. I don't even remember at this point what I said, but I remember I have NEVER been so furious with anyone as I was with this person. I wanted to yell at this person and ask why they even cared so much because when they were raising children they didn't really get involved in their children's lives and left everything up to their spouse. But, I didn't.

We drove in silence the rest of the way there. My dear sweet baby sister (who had the unfortunate experience of being in the car) whispered all the words I needed to hear as we got out of the car that night. I am blessed to have her in my life and maybe she needed to be there for my saving grace.

So until we work out this issue with my child, I will not be returning to this person's home. I hope they can at least respect that, but I have a feeling they won't even realize why. And that's almost worse.

Shortly after this falling out, there was another family gathering planned. A gathering which we had agreed to attend when it was planned out, but as the time grew nearer and situations changed - Eric and I felt super uneasy about attending. This made the person who planned it out quite upset and I understood why they would be, but they put no effort into understand the place and position I have been it. I knew it wasn't mentally healthy to put myself and children in a position where another issue might happen and I just felt like something would. 

I want to protect my children and I will do my best to do so. And I'm sorry if that interferes with anyone else's plans or lives, but I have to do what's ultimately best for us. And I don't regret that decision in the least.

What I need to focus on right now, at this moment in my life, is being the happy mother that my kids deserve. They work so hard and are pretty great kids and they deserve a mother who can show them that they are wonderful. They need to know that I'm not sad BECAUSE of them. I wish they could understand it's the PEOPLE around me causing my sadness, but they can only understand that I'm sad and I know at least one of them is taking on a lot of guilt thinking it's from them. THAT KILLS ME! 

So please, tell the mothers that you know out there that they are doing awesome (I need to do this, myself). That they are doing great things for their children. That their children are just right for them. You never know who needs to hear it. I am so thankful for the friends and a couple of extended family members who let me know, on a consistent basis that I'm doing okay. I love them for that and I don't think any of them REALLY know what it's done for me. So if you are one of those people, thank you so much!!!! Please keep doing what you're doing and help me be the happy mom I know I can be.

I found this on Facebook a few days ago and it's the push I needed to make this post!

Push Through It

I can't count the number of times I've uttered the phrase, 'Just Push Through It' lately. It's almost like it's become a daily mantra for me.

Probably towards the beginning of June, Eric sent me a link to a house. For the past few years or so he's done it, but nothing ever really comes of it. This was a similar situation, but he sent a few too many for me to stay quiet.

It started an itch that continued to grow. For the next month or so we discussed moving ad nauseam. Eric was arguing his very logical point of view and I'd argue my emotional view. We'd go around in circles. He had to remind me that the only reason he started looking was to get an idea of where the market was currently at. I didn't care at all about that. I saw beautiful houses and I wanted them to be mine. I resigned myself to the fact that we weren't going to moving anytime soon.

He wanted to be smarter about our next home purchase than we were about this home. When we bought this home I was just in a hurry to get OUR OWN home that we didn't do much in the way of research or really looking into what we liked.

Eric had friends out this way, so we decided to come this way. There were a few builders in the area, but we pretty much went with the 1st builder whose model we walked through. I wanted a multi-story house, but Eric thinks you get too much wasted space with them so he was pretty adamant we get a rambler. So we bought a rambler and it didn't take long before I decided I really wasn't too terribly happy with our layout. I felt guilty every time I brought it up because it made Eric feel bad. And because he knew this he was constantly on the hunt for a new home, but doing it financially was always an issue.

A few weeks after we had pretty much decided moving wasn't a possibilty, my friend made a post on Facebook. She was looking for a home in our area to rent with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and a fenced backyard.  Everything our house had. At first I ignored it and just prayed she'd find something. After a couple days she posted again that she hadn't found anything and was still putting feelers out there. I couldn't let it go, so I talked to Eric to see how he'd feel about renting out our house.

We both had some reservations, but decided that if my friend was up for renting our house in the condition it was in - we'd offer it up. So I asked my friend if she was interested and she seemed like she was and asked if her and her husband could come look that weekend. I said yes and tried to get what small things done that I could.

In the meantime Eric got in touch with the guy who handled our first mortgage and has helped us with a few other things in the past years to see what we could afford for a new home. He came back with some bittersweet news. We could afford a house at a price higher than we were expecting BUT we HAD to sell our home first. There was no way we could do two mortgages.

Thankfully, my friend had had a few other houses lined up to see and she found something that probably suits her needs much better.

But then we were left with the issue of selling. Our mortgage broker is married to a realtor so we met with her and got the wheels turning. I worked like mad the day she came over to the house thinking she'd want to walk around, but she didn't. I was feeling a little frustrated but she called back minutes after leaving our house and asked if she could come back on Saturday with her husband to look at the house as they sometimes flip houses. We worked like crazy Saturday morning to make things presentable and hoped for the best. Plus, I finally had a walk in closet again...

We took a mini vacation that next week and our realtor told us she'd touch base with us when we got back. She did touch base but said nothing about if she and her husband wanted to flip the house. She just asked if we'd be ready to schedule a photographer (do all real estate company's do this now?) and if we were okay still listing our house on the 12th. We said we were, but we really weren't/aren't.

Here's the problem...

We have 7 children who have pretty much turned this house upside down and right side out. The carpets are a lost cause and we refused to replace the carpet until the youngest kid was like 5. Then we just kept having kids. The dogs weren't helpful to the carpet cause either. The walls have seen the hands of pretty much every child and the rounded corners that I thought were so terribly awesome and safer are so terribly great at peeling paint. Neither Eric nor I have taken the time to figure out how to repair them correctly. Then you add in a depression of 3+ years and in short you get rooms that SHOULD be much cleaner, but aren't.

The dungeon (basement) has always been a sore spot with me. Every time I'd spend days on end getting it organized and cleaned up, the kids would destroy it in probably even less time. And when you're depressed and it already took you months to get up the energy to tackle the problem in the first place - you just let things go. Suddenly the basement becomes an episode of Hoarders, minus the dead animal skeletons and feces.

So we say, yes we're totally ready to get the ball rolling. Which means a whole lotta work packed into a very SHORT amount of time. We had planned to get a lot done on Saturday, but Eric's mom found an open house for a house she really wanted to look at (she thought about moving right along with us), so we did that. It was a beautiful house, but really didn't work for our situation. After that Eric surprised me with an impromptu quick date and then we came home. He had to head to his pseudo job and I was home with the kids and really too tired to do anything (included prepping my Primary lesson). The whole time I was kicking myself because I knew how much needed to be done and I just sat around...

So I pretty much begged Eric to stay home on Monday or Tuesday to help get things together cause we knew the photographer was coming today. Eric took Monday off and he made the most of it. He took a morning run to the store to get some containers and boxes and when he got home he was working in the basement. I was upstairs doing the daily cleaning and then using the magic eraser wherever I saw it needed to be done. I had to stop to make the hour trip (round trip) to take Shaylyn to cheer practice and when I got home I went downstairs to help Eric. I was amazed at what he had done working all day.

He was quickly losing steam, but we both pushed through it. About 9:00 we called it a night. We then made the stupid choice to stay up late playing a new game Eric had gotten for the kids for all the hard work they've also been doing. I went to bed around midnight and I'm not sure, but I think Eric was up till 1 or so. He then woke up at 4 to get to work in time to work a 10 hour day.

I spent the next day in the basement finishing what we had started before. I had my own ideas of what needed to be done before pictures, but Eric was sure the basement needed to be done. So I pushed through. By the time Eric got home I had pretty much organized all the toys, but wasn't completely done. Eric did what he could considering he was EXHAUSTED. We took a break for dinner and to celebrate Jace's birthday, then he kept the kids entertained while I finished in the basement. It was probably 10:30 when all was said and done, but we got that half of the basement COMPLETELY cleaned. It was an amazing feeling.

Today I had to tackle everything upstairs that needed to look nice for pictures. The photographer didn't come until 6 and I was still scrambling to get things done. I was almost in tears around 4:00 when I realized I really wasn't going to have things the way I wanted them for pictures. That is a super frustrating feeling.

And while the house is cleanish, it's no where near done. And I am still super frustrated. Things are not working out the way I had envisioned and I'm feeling bad that the kids have pretty much missed out on a REAL summer because I've been so preoccupied and busy. I also hate that they've had to play babysitter to their baby brother because I can't hold a baby and clean like I need to.

As it is, I still have cupboards that need to be cleaned, a pantry to organize, a fridge to clean, random things to pack up and my bathroom floor needs some extra love that I just didn't get time for today. There's also another half to the basement that is just as much something from Hoarders as the other side was, that really needs to be clean. AND I'm supposed to have it done by Friday because the realtor says there'll be a lot of traffic the day the listing goes up (Friday) and on Saturday she's thinking of holding an Open House. Eric can't take any more time off right yet and we have vastly differing opinions on what is most important.

Then there's the issue of keeping this place 'show-ready' with all 7 kids underfoot. That should be super simple, right? My only saving grace is that in a week and a half, 5 of them will be in school most of the day. Let's pray this place goes quick. I miss doing the things I LIKE to do...scrapbooking, blogging, sleeping...

In the meantime all I can do is push through it. And that means pushing through everything! The fact we had to get rid of the dogs (something I try not to think about), the cleaning, the upkeep, keeping children fed and happy (I've cleaned the kitchen 3 times today), keeping up with laundry (I'm always failing). Trying to convince the kids (and myself) that moving will be okay and we'll make new friends. That last part will be tricky for me, but I can't let the kids know that....

At Peace With Goodbye

*** First off and foremost, I need to give credit to my cousin, Paige for giving me the push I needed to make this post. I had thought about it, but she was on top of the game and wrote her post about this subject the day after. ***

I haven't blogged on any of my 3 blogs (this one included) for months. I've been dealing with personal issues, which I should probably talk about at some point - but not today, and as such I've found many reasons to avoid the computer and I've also just found myself extremely busy. But I have stuff to say today and hopefully it'll help get me back on track with my blogging. FINGERS CROSSED!

I think I mentioned on the 'family' blog that my maternal grandma was living in an assisted living facility for the last bit of time. (Don't hate me, I don't really know the EXACT amount of time) Up until the time she was moved to the assited living facility, she was doing a pretty darn good job of living on her own and taking care of herself. For awhile a cousin of mine was living with her and helping to take care of her, but his situation was going to be changing and Grandma started to decline as well. It was then that my mom and her siblings decided to move Grandma out of the house she'd lived in for most of her married life and into the assisted living facility.

Before they sold Grandma's home, my mom said we were free to come and get anything we wanted of Grandma's that she couldn't take with her. I was busy the day that was happening and besides that it felt wrong to take Grandma's stuff. I especially didn't want to potentially fight with other family members for 'things'. I asked my older sister to just grab things I had made and given to Grandma. That's all I wanted.

Grandma was sad to not be at her home and from what my mom told me, kind of frustrated that she couldn't just live with each of her 5 kids for certain periods of time. Sadly, that just wasn't possible as 2 of my uncles are just super busy and they both have wives that aren't the healthiest. My aunt is just crazy busy as well trying to do a million things for a million different people. My mom works full time and just didn't feel she would be able to do the things Grandma needed. I think that last part was a big part of the issue for all of my grandma's kids as well. They felt better having her in a place with medically trained professionals.

Since living in the assisted living facility we had plenty of periods where Grandma would get really sick and her kids were sure it was reaching the end. But Grandma would always punch right back up after awhile and continue to live on. Of course we were all thrilled that she was hanging on, but she was getting tired of it. When I would visit her (which wasn't often as she had a hard time remembering just who people were - outside of her kids) she'd always say, "I don't know why I'm still here." I'd tell her that it was because we (as a whole family) were selfish and we weren't ready to let her go. She'd smile and kind of laugh. Another favorite line of hers was, "I'm so mad at Grandpa. He hasn't come to get me yet." That's when I'd laugh and inside feel just a little bit grateful that Grandpa still hadn't kept his promise.

Around Mother's Day, my mom and sisters and I had planned to have a weekend away and the possibility of visiting Grandma and having lunch was brought up. Well, the weekend didn't go as planned for me (yet another story for another day) and my mom and sisters did something different. So my mom decided we should do a girl's thing on May 21st and have lunch with Grandma. Somehow, the message that it was just a girl's thing didn't get passed on to everyone so my little sister brought all her kids and her husband and my little brother came. My mom told me this ahead of time and I had the option of bringing the family, but Eric wouldn't be able to come and taking 7 kids to this place seemed like a bad idea. So I decided I'd have a girls day with my girls and Zach. Zach got to come cause he's a baby and given the situation, he just needed to be with me.

We had a great lunch and I remember Grandma saying, "I know who each of you are." I wondered if she really did or if she said it in an effort to make us feel good. My mom had brought soup for Grandma and she ate a little bit, but only a bit. When we started to clean up she tried to save her soup by putting a paper towel over it. My older sister was ready to take it up to her room for her, but my mom (knowing Grandma wouldn't eat it) threw it out when she wasn't looking. Grandma grew up in the age where you didn't let anything go to waste and it was proof that habits die hard.

After lunch we headed up to her small room to visit for just a little bit. My little sister's husband took the kids across the street to play at the playground at a school for a while and it was nice to have a visit without needing to get after kids. Because the other kids were gone Grandma got the chance to visit with her newest great-grandbaby. Zach absolutely loved Grandma and offered smile upon smile. I had a thought that it may be the last time we got to see Grandma, so I made sure to take a few pictures.

About a week later I got a call from my mom telling me that my Grandma was in Congestive Heart Failure and the medical people at the facility said it's something she could live with for weeks to months. But the fact that she was still able to produce a good, hearty laugh was a positive. It was nice to be given some warning that things could go bad at any time. But seeing as how grandma had made it as long as she had, I figured we'd get months with her.

On May 31st, I got a text saying that things had gotten bad and Grandma was pretty sick. The nurses gave her till the end of the week. So for that whole week I waited by my phone expecting a call at any time. The weekend came and went and I didn't hear anything.

My mom sent a text on Monday the 6th, saying that Grandma had once again defied odds and was still hanging out. She wasn't going to get better, but she had made it through the weekend and even the nurse was surprised at that. The next morning I got a text from my mom saying that it was getting close. A couple hours later I got the text that Grandma had passed on. I was surprised that I took it as well as I did. But there was a sense of peace about the whole thing and I knew that she was in a better place and with people she had missed for so many years on earth.

When my Mom talked to me when she knew Grandma was getting bad she asked me if I'd do the memorial tribute video. I was both honored and overwhelmed. I was glad to do it and grateful my mom, aunt and uncles trusted me to do it, but I was afraid it wouldn't be all that they were expecting. So in my true style, I put it off until I couldn't anymore. I got in touch with the family members I have as friends on Facebook and asked for any pictures they had. I was so thankful for the help and I think in the end I was able to include each of Grandma's kids and grandkids at least once. I really struggled with trying to fit a person's whole life into a short amount of time. In the end the video ended up being less than a half hour. I made sure to include a couple songs that I knew were her favorites and then a couple that could be viewed as things I wanted to say to her.

The viewing was on Sunday night and I went a bit early with my parents so that I could get the video up and playing before people started to arrive. Thankfully Eric is a true Boy Scout and made sure we had the video on something other than a DVD because the DVD player the funeral home had didn't like the DVD. So I went about hooking up the video the way Eric had instructed and had it playing, but couldn't get the sound to go through the TV, so when Eric arrived he went to work getting that set up.

We stayed for the whole viewing as we didn't want to leave our own equipment at the funeral home and hope that my parents remembered to grab it when they left. It turned out to be a long night for the kids, but most of them did a pretty good job.

I was kind of surprised at how many people stopped to actually watch the video. I figured it'd just play in the background and people would see what they saw, but there was people that actually sat down to view it.

At the end of the night, my aunt and a couple of my uncles let me know I did a good job and I finally felt relief knowing that I hadn't let them down. We talked to my uncle, Roger about the video playing during the viewing before the funeral the next morning. The funeral would be in the church building my Grandma went to for most of her adult life. Which is also an hour away from our house using the freeway. We promised we'd do our best to get there before things got started and get the video playing. We also assured my uncle we wouldn't need anything from the library and we'd just use our own stuff.

We got home probably around 11 and we all went straight to bed. We were up the next morning by 6:30 and had the kids up by about 7. We got everyone ready to go and we were out the door only minutes after we had planned, but we should have plenty of time to get to the church before the viewing started. But then we met up with traffic. Lots of traffic. We still got there before the viewing technically started, but just barely. Eric got the video set to go and we discovered it was a good thing we brought our own stuff as Roger was having difficulties gettng into the library. We spent the next couple hours in the Relief Society room waiting for the funeral to start.

I had a harder day this day and just about lost it just before the family prayer and when they closed the casket. Something about that always seems so final. We then filed into the Chapel and Grandma's family pretty much took up the whole front middle section of the chapel.

My aunt, uncles and mom all spoke of the lady they knew as a mother and it was so nice to get a glimpse of her life as a mother. My cousin (the oldest of the cousins) also spoke and she spoke of everything we experienced as grandchildren. She experienced a few different things as she was an older grandkid and I was a younger one, but one thing rang true - my grandma loved holidays and creating traditions that she kept throughout the years. There was laughter and tears and I couldn't help but think Grandma would be embarrassed by everything that was being said and she'd say that she didn't deserve it.

About a week before the funeral my uncle took to Facebook to ask if anyone could print off some lyrics to some songs that he liked that reminded him of his parents. I told him I would do it as it would be fairly easy and I got a nice, new printer for Mother's Day. He used a couple songs for his euology. He gave me a gift for doing this for him. He had given this item to Grandma at some point in time and when it was time to clean out her room at the assisted living facility, he grabbed it and gave it to me. I absolutely love it and was so thankful he thought to give it to me.

We then made our way to the interment. The interment was to take place at the cemetary where my grandpa, cousin and Eric's dad are buried. Because we had left so early in the morning, Eric didn't get breakfast and the kids were getting hungry. The sky had also opened up and rained cats and dogs, so we left before the procession to stop and grab a snack and some umbrellas. We ended up almost directly behind the hearse when we got to the cemetary, so we were glad we weren't late.

We got the kids out of the car and situated everyone under our umbrellas. We didn't quite have room for Zach under the umbrella, so I asked my mom if we could leave him, in his carseat, next to her under the tent. She agreed and pretty much was ready to ask us if we wanted to put him there. (Great minds thinking alike or something)

Before they got started they wanted to make sure everyone was there. We soon noticed an uncle was missing. For whatever reason, they gave him another couple minutes and started anyway. I was nervous about my uncle and felt super bad that they started this without him - but no one had a way to get a hold of him as he doesn't have a cell phone.

When Grandma's dedication was over, Eric excused himself. I thought I heard him say, "I'm gonna go call Greg." (Eric was in the middle of mass chaos on his family's side this same week) But then I noticed he had wandered over to his dad's grave - which is only a few feet from my grandparents. I then went over to be with him. It was one of those times I knew he just needed me.

We then headed back to the church for the luncheon. To my surprise we had a wonderful layout of food that looked like it had been catered. To my even greater surprise I found out that my Grandma's wonderful Polynesian neighbors had done the food for us. They had so much food there and even planned for people to take food home by bringing take home boxes.

This wonderful neighbor of my grandma's explained how Grandma had been like a Grandma to his girls as his parents had died before his girls were born. He gave a small little speech about who Grandma was to them and I could totally see it.

I found out that these were also the people that had bought Grandma's house when the family sold it and they rent it out. But I also found out that the Polynesian's tend to name their homes and they gave Grandma's home the name of , 'Nin' which was her nickname.

Something else these neighbors did that really touched me was that the flower centerpieces they brought were all roses from Grandma's yard. This was a huge deal to us all as Grandpa's love was gardening. We grew up with flowers galore surrounding their yard. At the end of the meal we were told that we could take the centerpieces with us. I was visiting with some family members and Tanis asked if I wanted to take one and so I told him to grab the yellow one.

I was really quite surprised at how easy this funeral was for me. Every other funeral I've been to, I've cried like a baby. But there was a peacefulness that came with Grandma's. Perhaps it was because I'd been prepping for it for years, but I think it was more than that.

It's defnitely going to be weird without her and I know my mom has already had some moments where she wanted to go to her mom for something or tell her some story, only to realize she couldn't relay info like she used to.

I just want to be the type of mom her kids all remember her being. One that didn't need to yell and scream to get her kids to do things. A mom that didn't need to lecture about things. A person who was accepting of everyone flaws and all. Since her passing the sentence that keeps coming to mind is: "Just love them." So I'll do my best to just love them. Grandma certainly knew how to really LOVE a person and was a great example of it. It should be an easy task as long as I follow her example.

Growing Up and Moving On

Today I took Lex to register for Jr. High.

I've done this 2 times before, but for some reason this time it's hitting me harder. Maybe it's because it's hard to believe I'll now have 3 kiddos out of Elementary School. Even Eric was a little bit surprised when we sat down to choose classes. I suppose in our minds this kid will always be a little boy.

This kid is so ready to move on up. He knew EXACTLY which electives he wanted to take. One of which was dance. Eric and I looked at each other and wondered what this kid was thinking. We found out that the Dance Co, performed when these kids went to a pre-registration thing and there were some boys in it. The dances they did looked awesome and Lex decided he wanted to be a part of that. We also found out a bunch of his friends said they were taking dance. 

So we got to the school and it was nice to be able to have this experience without any other kids, with the exception of Zach. We had time to talk to each other and I quickly realized Lex knows a lot of people! 

They had the Health Dept. there ready to give immunizations and so we got them done. It was one less thing to worry about come summer. This kid barely flinched and had to get one in each arm. One day I wanna be like him.

This kid is ready to take on the world of Jr. High and he'll never look back. I just hope his Mommy can do the same and let him go.