Sad Mom

There are a few things currently on my mind that I'd like to talk about, but life is life and it seems I'm always busy with other things. So, I get to play the game of which topic should I discuss at this moment in time. The winner is aptly titled: Sad Mom.

A couple months ago I was talking with Shaylyn (or rather, in full honesty: gossiping) about someone we know. I was expressing how it seemed she was always angry or frustrated and always yelling at her kids. In her defense, she has quite a few and they are all fairly young. I was contrasting that with another mother that we know (also with quite a few kids) who always seemed happy and upbeat and disciplined her children calmly and quietly. Now I know that no one knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors and the perceptions I have can be completely wrong. I'm just saying what I see and explaining the story. After I was done talking, Shaylyn simply said, "Well you're always sad, so what's the difference?" (In regards to the overtired mother)

I was shocked. I had nothing to say. I had no response for her. I just stood there. My mind was going a thousand miles a minute and the one thing Eric had been asking me many different times over the course of a very long period of time was, "Do you really want your kids to think that you were always sad?" Or something to that effect. My answer was, of course, "No." And I thought I was doing my best to hide it from them, but I realized in that moment that I had failed.

The other kids may not have noticed quite like Shaylyn did as she's always been able to pick up on subtle (or not so subtle) things, but even with only one of them noticing - it was still a 'failure.'

After that discussion I had told myself to try harder to be happy (at least in front of the kids) and though I wasn't doing great, I felt I was doing and getting better. But life can sometimes suck and for every step forward you take two steps back.

Such was the case in the month of June.

Before I get to that, perhaps I should give a little more insight as to why the situations in June affected me the way they did.

I've been around kids my whole life. I was the third of 7 and so I had a lot of experience with babies and little kids. I also had the luxury of getting Mom or asking my mom what to do. Most of the time she took over (as she was the mom), but a few times I learned a thing or two. I joke that I raised my baby brother as he was born when I was 15 and taking care of him was fun to me.

Flash forward to when I had Tanis. I felt prepared. I knew there were things that would come up that I didn't necessarily KNOW, but there were enough people around me that I could figure it out. Tanis was a fairly easy baby, all things considered - especially with what I know now. I do remember crying when he was fairly new though because he wouldn't go to sleep at night. I don't think I would've been quite so stressed if we weren't in an apartment. The added stress that having neighbors brought was not a good thing for me. But all in all, it didn't last that long and like I said he was an easy baby.

And with each kid came a little bit more ease and peace of mind. I wasn't as uptight when Shaylyn came along and felt super grateful for the neighbors we had with Lex. The rest of the kids were born when we had our own home and there was a peace about not having neighbors sharing a wall.

Neighbors weren't really my biggest issue, however. My biggest issue came from family members. And it wasn't family members who KNEW what they were talking about (i.e. the moms). It came from family members who HAD NEVER even had kids, but they seemed to know EVERYTHING there was when it came to parenting. And everything I was doing was completely WRONG. And because I was so young, I apparently knew NOTHING.

Have you ever watched your child be spanked by someone other than your spouse? It's pretty much horrible and it happened twice to me, by two different family members to two different children. And guess what...One of those time the kid was smacked by someone who didn't understand the full situation and thought it was their place to discipline MY child for crying....And here's the kicker...my kid was crying because he missed his Daddy and wanted to go somewhere with his Daddy. He wasn't doing it to be stubborn or obnoxious. He just wanted his Daddy. Worst part was we were on vacation. Eric had the car. I grabbed my kid (left the other kids where we were - not my finest moment, but I was ANGRY) and walked to the place where we were staying. The other situation may have been 'called' for, but it definitely NOT that person's place. Once again, I took my kids and bolted like a bat out of hell. Oh, and did you realize these both happened at a time when Eric wasn't around? Yup, they didn't dare do much if Eric was around, but if I was alone - they let loose.

Why is it so hard for people to let me discipline my children in my way? I don't think it's healthy or right to discipline them harshly and definitely not physically in front of other people. But that's me and you know, what do I know? 

Anyway, so after enough time I let things blow off and while I try not to live in the past and I feel like I forgiven in most situations, it's hard to forget. 

It was never in my plan to have a large family. For awhile (in jr. high and high school) I wasn't even sure I wanted kids. Then I decided I only wanted a few. By the time Eric and I got married we kind of settled on 4 because he wanted 3, but I had a thing with odd numbers. (HAHAHA!) Heavenly Father knew better and blessed us with our wonderful 7 and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Because I have a low self-esteem, one of the only things I feel I am ANY good at is being a mom. I feel I do especially well when they are babies. Perhaps because they are fairly predictable and there's not a lot in that department that surprises me anymore. And through the years I've learned a few things, changed a few things and adapted different techniques. I know what works.

Also because I've been blessed with 7 very different personalities, I KNOW there is NOT one single way that is RIGHT on how to parent a child. 

And that's the problem we have/had. Everyone else thinks they know the best ways to parent MY kids. One of my biggest pet peeves is that everyone is an expert on how to handle an issue with any given child. Um, hello, no! What you don't know is that I've been working on these issues with my kids and I'm doing it my way and in the way I think best benefits that child. Just because it's not the way YOU would do it, does not mean I am WRONG.

This is where I get hung up. There are so many naysayers in the family (sad, but true) who pretty much seem to get their thrills telling me where I'm going wrong. I don't ask for advice, they just like to hand it out. Most of the time I want to tell them to go to hell and leave me the *bleep* alone. But that's not who I am. So while in my head that's the phrase I'm screaming, I sit there quietly and nod and let the negative sink in. And my negative me is extremely negative. And I tend to hold on to things that have been said/done for years on end. Things most of these people probably don't even remember saying, but you can't take back what's been said or how it makes someone feel.

And what these people (family, remember) have done to me is tragic. They have taken away the essence of my whole being. They've taken away my belief that I am a damn good mother. They've taken away my peace of mind. They've put more stress on my husband, who has to fight tooth and nail to put back everything that was taken away. They've stripped my children of the mother they SHOULD have and the mother they truly deserve. In their effort to help my children, they've negatively impacted them. All my children get to see now, is a very frail version of her. One that breaks anytime I should remember things of the past, anytime some new situation arises that isn't handled well and anytime a bigger issue comes up that I do my best to handle, but all the while have that damn voice telling me it's wrong, it's not going to work and so and so will really have something to say about this.

What anyone says really shouldn't matter, and I can usually let the stupid things strangers say go. But when it comes from family, from the people who should be helping and lending an ear and those who should really just care about the results, and not the way the results happen. Or even offering non-solicited advice, it just hurts. I DON'T NEED YOUR ADVICE! I've had enough of it to last a lifetime. I just want some reassurance or you know, some empathy. And it really hurts that I don't get that. I can count on one hand the number of family members who've never tried to solve my problems or who've given unsolicited advice. They are the same people who are fighting for me and not against me. I wish I could say that was everyone.

So back to June. Within a 2 or 3 week period I had two experiences happen from the same person and it pretty much shattered me to my core. 

The first one - we were at a family gathering and there were cupcakes. My 2 year old was doing his best to eat this cupcake and try to stay where he was. I was in the next room (open concept here, so I had sight on this boy) feeding the baby and getting him to sleep. A family members comes along with the broom and starts sweeping right under these kids' feet (another kid and a cousin were also having a cupcake). This person tells the kids to move, so they go sit on the top step (laminate floor). Next thing I know this person is yelling at me like I'm 10 years old and like there's a fire. Apparently my 2 year old was wiping his fingers on the carpet of the floor and the walls. And of course, he was doing it on purpose! His whole plan was to paint this persons wall and carpet with frosting. Anyway, because Eric realizes I have the baby and he had just fallen asleep (person who yelled at me was oblivious to this fact) and takes care of the issue. An issue that wouldn't have even been an issue had said person let the kids finish the stupid cupcakes before they decided to clean! Hello, let's use our brain here.

The second issue happened the day of my grandma's viewing, of all freaking days...

We were at the same place waiting until it was time to go to the viewing. Because I did the video, I needed to make sure I got there early enough to get it started before people started arriving. Eric was going to stay with the kids and come a little bit later. He got all the kids piled in the car and took them somewhere until it was time to arrive. I got in the car with the people I was going with and prepared myself for the journey. 

I need to back up a bit....

We have a child that has an issue with the bathroom. This child is old enough that it shouldn't be an issue, but they have it. It's an issue we, as parents, are aware of and have tried many MANY different things to 'fix' it. It's still a work in progress. So this child sometimes leaves little balls of poop wherever they've traveled. It's gross, yes and I'm sick of dealing with it. But we're working on it and we have to be sensitive to this child at the same time.

Anyway, just before we leave - said person finds the trail of poop. And instead of asking us to clean up or something to that effect, he just goes off. So as soon as Eric hears what happens, he takes the child aside and has a very stern conversation with him. The person's response: "A lot of good talking is gonna do."

So then we all get in our vehicles. This person gets into the vehicle I am in and starts going off. They make a statement of "I'm so sick of it." In my head I want to scream, "You're sick of it? What the heck do you think I DO on a DAILY basis? This is the hell I get to live with DAILY. I also know that this child is sensitive and everything we've tried has yet to work. I don't even come to your house very often and YOU'RE sick of it!" This person is still going on, "Have you taken him to the Dr.?" I am trying to remain calm and not make a difficult night even worse, so I say nothing. The response, "You're quiet gives me the answer."

Going to the Dr. isn't quite so simple. I have a spouse who doesn't suspect the issue is something a Dr. really needs to be seen about. He feels the child is stubborn and will eventually grow out of it. (He has more recently said that a dr. might be okay, just so we can get a rx to make things a little easier for the kid) So, I didn't want to go against my husband. Plus, when you're depressed (again, another story for another day) it's difficult to do and go ANYWHERE (I haven't even been to my Dr. since the baby was born).

I finally can't take it anymore and start yelling back. I don't even remember at this point what I said, but I remember I have NEVER been so furious with anyone as I was with this person. I wanted to yell at this person and ask why they even cared so much because when they were raising children they didn't really get involved in their children's lives and left everything up to their spouse. But, I didn't.

We drove in silence the rest of the way there. My dear sweet baby sister (who had the unfortunate experience of being in the car) whispered all the words I needed to hear as we got out of the car that night. I am blessed to have her in my life and maybe she needed to be there for my saving grace.

So until we work out this issue with my child, I will not be returning to this person's home. I hope they can at least respect that, but I have a feeling they won't even realize why. And that's almost worse.

Shortly after this falling out, there was another family gathering planned. A gathering which we had agreed to attend when it was planned out, but as the time grew nearer and situations changed - Eric and I felt super uneasy about attending. This made the person who planned it out quite upset and I understood why they would be, but they put no effort into understand the place and position I have been it. I knew it wasn't mentally healthy to put myself and children in a position where another issue might happen and I just felt like something would. 

I want to protect my children and I will do my best to do so. And I'm sorry if that interferes with anyone else's plans or lives, but I have to do what's ultimately best for us. And I don't regret that decision in the least.

What I need to focus on right now, at this moment in my life, is being the happy mother that my kids deserve. They work so hard and are pretty great kids and they deserve a mother who can show them that they are wonderful. They need to know that I'm not sad BECAUSE of them. I wish they could understand it's the PEOPLE around me causing my sadness, but they can only understand that I'm sad and I know at least one of them is taking on a lot of guilt thinking it's from them. THAT KILLS ME! 

So please, tell the mothers that you know out there that they are doing awesome (I need to do this, myself). That they are doing great things for their children. That their children are just right for them. You never know who needs to hear it. I am so thankful for the friends and a couple of extended family members who let me know, on a consistent basis that I'm doing okay. I love them for that and I don't think any of them REALLY know what it's done for me. So if you are one of those people, thank you so much!!!! Please keep doing what you're doing and help me be the happy mom I know I can be.

I found this on Facebook a few days ago and it's the push I needed to make this post!

Push Through It

I can't count the number of times I've uttered the phrase, 'Just Push Through It' lately. It's almost like it's become a daily mantra for me.

Probably towards the beginning of June, Eric sent me a link to a house. For the past few years or so he's done it, but nothing ever really comes of it. This was a similar situation, but he sent a few too many for me to stay quiet.

It started an itch that continued to grow. For the next month or so we discussed moving ad nauseam. Eric was arguing his very logical point of view and I'd argue my emotional view. We'd go around in circles. He had to remind me that the only reason he started looking was to get an idea of where the market was currently at. I didn't care at all about that. I saw beautiful houses and I wanted them to be mine. I resigned myself to the fact that we weren't going to moving anytime soon.

He wanted to be smarter about our next home purchase than we were about this home. When we bought this home I was just in a hurry to get OUR OWN home that we didn't do much in the way of research or really looking into what we liked.

Eric had friends out this way, so we decided to come this way. There were a few builders in the area, but we pretty much went with the 1st builder whose model we walked through. I wanted a multi-story house, but Eric thinks you get too much wasted space with them so he was pretty adamant we get a rambler. So we bought a rambler and it didn't take long before I decided I really wasn't too terribly happy with our layout. I felt guilty every time I brought it up because it made Eric feel bad. And because he knew this he was constantly on the hunt for a new home, but doing it financially was always an issue.

A few weeks after we had pretty much decided moving wasn't a possibilty, my friend made a post on Facebook. She was looking for a home in our area to rent with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and a fenced backyard.  Everything our house had. At first I ignored it and just prayed she'd find something. After a couple days she posted again that she hadn't found anything and was still putting feelers out there. I couldn't let it go, so I talked to Eric to see how he'd feel about renting out our house.

We both had some reservations, but decided that if my friend was up for renting our house in the condition it was in - we'd offer it up. So I asked my friend if she was interested and she seemed like she was and asked if her and her husband could come look that weekend. I said yes and tried to get what small things done that I could.

In the meantime Eric got in touch with the guy who handled our first mortgage and has helped us with a few other things in the past years to see what we could afford for a new home. He came back with some bittersweet news. We could afford a house at a price higher than we were expecting BUT we HAD to sell our home first. There was no way we could do two mortgages.

Thankfully, my friend had had a few other houses lined up to see and she found something that probably suits her needs much better.

But then we were left with the issue of selling. Our mortgage broker is married to a realtor so we met with her and got the wheels turning. I worked like mad the day she came over to the house thinking she'd want to walk around, but she didn't. I was feeling a little frustrated but she called back minutes after leaving our house and asked if she could come back on Saturday with her husband to look at the house as they sometimes flip houses. We worked like crazy Saturday morning to make things presentable and hoped for the best. Plus, I finally had a walk in closet again...

We took a mini vacation that next week and our realtor told us she'd touch base with us when we got back. She did touch base but said nothing about if she and her husband wanted to flip the house. She just asked if we'd be ready to schedule a photographer (do all real estate company's do this now?) and if we were okay still listing our house on the 12th. We said we were, but we really weren't/aren't.

Here's the problem...

We have 7 children who have pretty much turned this house upside down and right side out. The carpets are a lost cause and we refused to replace the carpet until the youngest kid was like 5. Then we just kept having kids. The dogs weren't helpful to the carpet cause either. The walls have seen the hands of pretty much every child and the rounded corners that I thought were so terribly awesome and safer are so terribly great at peeling paint. Neither Eric nor I have taken the time to figure out how to repair them correctly. Then you add in a depression of 3+ years and in short you get rooms that SHOULD be much cleaner, but aren't.

The dungeon (basement) has always been a sore spot with me. Every time I'd spend days on end getting it organized and cleaned up, the kids would destroy it in probably even less time. And when you're depressed and it already took you months to get up the energy to tackle the problem in the first place - you just let things go. Suddenly the basement becomes an episode of Hoarders, minus the dead animal skeletons and feces.

So we say, yes we're totally ready to get the ball rolling. Which means a whole lotta work packed into a very SHORT amount of time. We had planned to get a lot done on Saturday, but Eric's mom found an open house for a house she really wanted to look at (she thought about moving right along with us), so we did that. It was a beautiful house, but really didn't work for our situation. After that Eric surprised me with an impromptu quick date and then we came home. He had to head to his pseudo job and I was home with the kids and really too tired to do anything (included prepping my Primary lesson). The whole time I was kicking myself because I knew how much needed to be done and I just sat around...

So I pretty much begged Eric to stay home on Monday or Tuesday to help get things together cause we knew the photographer was coming today. Eric took Monday off and he made the most of it. He took a morning run to the store to get some containers and boxes and when he got home he was working in the basement. I was upstairs doing the daily cleaning and then using the magic eraser wherever I saw it needed to be done. I had to stop to make the hour trip (round trip) to take Shaylyn to cheer practice and when I got home I went downstairs to help Eric. I was amazed at what he had done working all day.

He was quickly losing steam, but we both pushed through it. About 9:00 we called it a night. We then made the stupid choice to stay up late playing a new game Eric had gotten for the kids for all the hard work they've also been doing. I went to bed around midnight and I'm not sure, but I think Eric was up till 1 or so. He then woke up at 4 to get to work in time to work a 10 hour day.

I spent the next day in the basement finishing what we had started before. I had my own ideas of what needed to be done before pictures, but Eric was sure the basement needed to be done. So I pushed through. By the time Eric got home I had pretty much organized all the toys, but wasn't completely done. Eric did what he could considering he was EXHAUSTED. We took a break for dinner and to celebrate Jace's birthday, then he kept the kids entertained while I finished in the basement. It was probably 10:30 when all was said and done, but we got that half of the basement COMPLETELY cleaned. It was an amazing feeling.

Today I had to tackle everything upstairs that needed to look nice for pictures. The photographer didn't come until 6 and I was still scrambling to get things done. I was almost in tears around 4:00 when I realized I really wasn't going to have things the way I wanted them for pictures. That is a super frustrating feeling.

And while the house is cleanish, it's no where near done. And I am still super frustrated. Things are not working out the way I had envisioned and I'm feeling bad that the kids have pretty much missed out on a REAL summer because I've been so preoccupied and busy. I also hate that they've had to play babysitter to their baby brother because I can't hold a baby and clean like I need to.

As it is, I still have cupboards that need to be cleaned, a pantry to organize, a fridge to clean, random things to pack up and my bathroom floor needs some extra love that I just didn't get time for today. There's also another half to the basement that is just as much something from Hoarders as the other side was, that really needs to be clean. AND I'm supposed to have it done by Friday because the realtor says there'll be a lot of traffic the day the listing goes up (Friday) and on Saturday she's thinking of holding an Open House. Eric can't take any more time off right yet and we have vastly differing opinions on what is most important.

Then there's the issue of keeping this place 'show-ready' with all 7 kids underfoot. That should be super simple, right? My only saving grace is that in a week and a half, 5 of them will be in school most of the day. Let's pray this place goes quick. I miss doing the things I LIKE to do...scrapbooking, blogging, sleeping...

In the meantime all I can do is push through it. And that means pushing through everything! The fact we had to get rid of the dogs (something I try not to think about), the cleaning, the upkeep, keeping children fed and happy (I've cleaned the kitchen 3 times today), keeping up with laundry (I'm always failing). Trying to convince the kids (and myself) that moving will be okay and we'll make new friends. That last part will be tricky for me, but I can't let the kids know that....